pnw – Kandysse's Blog

A different kind of love

Hey there!!
It’s been a long time since I have posted a blog post. Way too long. I wish I had got on it sooner. I had wanted to be more consistent. I have so many hobbies and things I love to do. I have had other things take priority and set the hobbies in a priority list and some have been ignored completely and that’s not good. It’s time I find peace, I find balance and do the things that I love to do. I love my newest hobby that is Planning in my Happy Planner! You can definitely see more of that on my Instagram that’ll link below. And I will do some posts on here for that as well.

I have finished High school. I have been doing it online through my current college. I am now setting my sights on the SAT and getting into college and getting a bachelor’s degree and if my heart still tells me, I will then head on to med school. I have dreamed of being a doctor for a long time!! It is a huge passion of mine. But I have also fallen in love with other things. So I will start with my bachelor’s degree and decide from there. I also love business and Entrepreneurial things. I have lots of ideas written down for businesses and products. SO Shark Tank if you see this help me!!! LOL! In all honesty, my mind and heart wonder if the medicine is 100% where I want to end up. But I do know 100% that I want to go to college and get a BA. So that’s the next step.

My life is constantly changing. So to give you a complete update would take a massive amount of time and be a very long read. I am not sure that you want that long read. I can say this…I am not one for new year’s resolutions. I prefer to set attainable goals for the year. In 2018 it was to grow in my faith… which definitely happened. My faith was tested and I learned to have childlike faith in God again. I made a few for this year. I made a big one and then some smaller goals. My main goal was to take care of me in every way possible. To be the healthiest I could. To take care of all parts of me like physical, mental, health, all of it. So I have been removing negative things and energy, I have set boundaries, addressed some health issues and have been truly telling my truths and being 100% unapologetically me. Let me tell you that is not easy. It’s harder than anyone could imagine. To fully take care of yourself and do what is best for you is difficult. To put yourself first is hard. Especially if you’re like me. I am focusing on falling in love with myself. I am working the things I enjoy and that makes me happy. My hobbies, My friends, and my family. My priorities are the relationship I have with myself and God. I need to love myself. I need to heal from the things life has dealt me and some of the choices I made. I have to learn to find peace in myself and in God. I am trying to love Kandysse. For everything I am and everything, I am not. I am working on taking care of my body and getting healthy. I Have an amazing care team and have an awesome doctor so I am now able to really work on my health conditions and see the necessary specialists. I am working on eating better, growing my hair, and not biting my nails. Seriously… These are parts of taking care of me. I am doing self-care. I am seeing a therapist again and finding out what I need. What I can do to be the best version of myself. This means I am saying No, I am not letting people walk all over me, I am being kind to myself. I am truly making myself a priority. And when you declare a goal to the universe, If you’re open and willing the universe will help you achieve that goal. That’s what I see happening to me. The Universe is putting things in my path to help me put myself first and achieve this goal. It is teaching me who I am and what I want. How to take care of me. The universe is taking people out of my life that do me no good. Helping change and grow relationships. I am truly being pushed by not only myself but the Universe and God. There is a force greater than me propelling every moment and every event in my life. I feel that I have, in the last two months already made a lot of progress in my choice to take care of me. I have dealt with and confronted some big things in my life and began working on a better me. I am glad that I have. It’s what is right and it’s so important. I will be spending time finding myself. Learning more about me. What I like and What I want to do. I will head to college and truly grow. I hope to continue this past this year, but I needed to start this year.

If you haven’t gotten it about me yet or don’t know me. I am the kind of person who will give and give even when I am empty. I put everyone else in my life before me. I will do anything for those I love and care for. I will give the shirt off my back. And while that’s great it has also, become a toxic trait too. Because I run myself into the ground and feed others when I need to be feeding myself. I have grown to see that I need to fill my cup before I fill others. I need to put my oxygen mask on before those around me. I have spent so much of my life is available to everyone around me, I haven’t been available to kandysse. And this is the year that changes. The year I spend filling my cup. I spend growing. And learning when to give to others. Then it becomes adapting and carrying this lesson in the following years.

I have given so many people pieces of me, I often feel I have nothing left for myself. I have become this half version of myself. Too stretched to be me. Too empty and lost. To recognize when it’s time to take a step back and take care of me. This is so important. I need to be able to help me before I can help others. I need to be in love with me… before I can be in love with others. It’s about balance. And my life has lacked. It has affected so many areas of my life. I haven’t been present for me. I haven’t been there for myself the way I am there for everyone else and that’s not healthy. I have a lot of learning to do and growth. But that’s a huge part of what this year is for. I am going to take time and fall in love with myself. I am going to date myself, I am going to do my hobbies, find balance, spend a lot of time with my family. Like my niece, I am going to hang with my friends. This will be an adventure and be so good for me.

I have already grown since January One. I have made changes. Loved myself more than I have before. I am happy to see the progress already. But there is still so much left to do. So much to go. A big thing I have learned is that no one is really your better half. You’re complete on your own.

With that, I wish you a happy valentines day! I hope you remember that your first love and most important should be with yourself!
There will be more posts. More things to talk about. Stay tuned!!

I’m Back!

Hello All!

It has been quite a while since my last blog post. About ten months to be exact. Which is a really long time. No real big excuse other than life has happened and I haven’t put this as high on my priority list as I’d like to or it should’ve been. I thought since not many people read it, that it wasn’t a big deal. But posting often, and working on it… will get more readers. Plus this isn’t really just about how many people read about it. This is for me as well.

To give an update about what is happening in my life, I have been dealing with my health. It’s been my main focus. Spending a lot of my time in the hospital or doctors office. I have switched primary care doctors and that is the best decision I have made health wise in a long time. We haven’t nailed down a diagnosis yet but we have figured out some pieces to this massive puzzle. There will be a blog post on this. My health is a huge obstacle right now. I have taken a break from school recently that was two weeks and due to new and arising health issues, I have decided to extend it a little bit longer. I have had two family members get married which was very exciting…I went to one in Leavenworth and one in Wenatchee..(I don’t know if I have mentioned it but a majority of my family is from Wenatchee.) I have also been connecting with my friends, some old some new. I have been very selective of who I give my energy and time too. Especially because I don’t have much energy. I don’t want to spend it with people who drain me and offer little to no positivity to my life. It has been an interesting summer and fall. I have watched a few of my friends grow and move to different areas, go to college and a few even got married. Which as all been really cool to see.

My relationship, we have grown so much. Not only individually but as a couple as well. Also learned so much this year. I have learned that relationships are not always sunshine and rainbows, there are hard times and in a relationship, it is important to stick by your partner in those times, not just the good ones. And these are the often the times that the most growth happens and love blooms. I have loved harder than I ever knew possible. I love all the special moments him and I have shared. We have had more holidays, birthdays and family events to go together. More adventures and road trips, which we also love. I have seen him grow. We have both gotten better at the typical relationship things like communication and trust. All crucial to a happy and healthy relationship. I love him so and I really believe that he is the one in the last ten months I have grown to see that this is the man God has set apart for me. The man I will one day(in the near future) call my husband. The man who will change my last name. My respect for him has also grown. I have learned that I love to give gifts, thoughtful, sometimes handmade, quite often.

I have fallen more in love with my beautiful niece.. which I truly thought was impossible. Being that, I loved her so much already. She is the light of my world. She means so much to me. Her 2nd birthday also happens to be right around the corner. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! I can’t believe she is already two.

I still want to be an MD.. but its growing to be a challenge since I constantly need a Dr. URG!!!

That is all I have for now! get ready for more blog posts and stay tuned!

Another book! – One I didn’t know I needed in my life

Hello all!

As we have previously established I love books. I read a lot and am constantly hunting for new books to read! Well I got a gift card for christmas and took my happy self right on down to the Bellevue Amazon book store, my partner in crime Popeye tagged along (My boyfriend-see earlier posts) we had a grand time, until I started feeling really ill. Any ways, I like to take my time in that store. I could be in there for hours. I honestly wish that I could have the store just to myself for a few hours.

As I was Looking around, I made a stop in the Young Adult section. I still like to read books from that Genre or category. Though they are easy reads and rarely push me for harder thought or reflection. But something caught my eye. It’s called Almost Adulting by Arden Rose. Now I am just beginning my venture into adulthood, so far I’m not super fond of adulthood and constantly wonder if I am doing it right… or what the heck it is that I am supposed to be doing. So I thought this might be a book that might be able to help or that I might be able to relate to or if I got lucky both! Or it was going to be terrible.

The book has a great eye grabbing cover. Which I know you can’t judge a book by its cover but we all do. And the synopsis was even better. In the inside of the book jacket to left it says
“-Making internet friends who are cool and not murderers

-Flirting with someone in a way to make them think you are cool and not a murderer

-Being in an actual relationship where you talk about your feelings in a healthy manner??? To the other person???????”

There was more than that too. But after those first few points, I knew this would be a great book for me to read. I loved the relatability, the humor and the way this book was written. I liked the tone. So I opened the book and began to read the first chapter. Within a few sentences I was chuckling to myself and found myself eager to go on. So I knew that this was a purchase that needed to be made. I found another book in the YA section that I have had my eye on for a few months we will see how it is. You can expect a post for that book too. I am on the hunt for a good romance author. I have read every book by the two I like(give or take three or four books). (Sarah Dessen and Luanne rice)

So I made my purchase and went home. The book sat in the pile of TBR (To Be Read) and I can finally say that on Monday I cracked it open. Boy was I glad I did. I have made it halfway through the book and have tabs marking important and relatable info and I have underlined very important points to remember and essential advice. This book is absolutely outstanding and relatable. I love it. Throughout the books there are small pieces of advice that are crucial. and affirmations. The open discussion of all the early adulthood issues is so relevant and helpful. Arden gives sound advice and tells the reader about her struggles, how she dealt with them, and what she learned.It calmed my anxiety and fears. The author talks about important and relevant things in our lives. She also doesn’t shy away from the topics most people are scared or too shy to talk about. She doesn’t degrade us for being millennials or make us feel bad about the new ways in which we do things. She relates to us. I have found so many parts of this book to be helpful. to make me feel less alone. And assure me that no one at my age has it all figured out and being a mess sometimes is okay. I also found something to help give me direction. The discussion about mental health has definitely been one of my favorites as well as learning about how her online dating experience went. I met my boyfriend online. My sister met hers there. As I have said in an earlier post and will continue to stand by, this is the age of online dating.

I have definitely fallen in love with this book. It’s hard to put it down. I think it’s a book I will read again and probably again. There is so many pieces of advice and affirmations, I don’t think it can all be absorbed in one read. This is a book I would say anyone in the stage of early adulthood should read. And while I recommend that early adults read it, I suggest that you sit down with a pen and page markers as you do so. Because there are things you’ll definitely want to remember and be able to come back to.

I am so glad I picked this book up and have it to add to my library. There will definitely be another post when I finish it!! Here’s the Link to purchase the book! I would recommend getting it for your kindle!

LOGAN PAUL TW

TW- Suicide and mental health and there will be swearing!
LOGAN PAUL

Okay so if you are new to my blog then you don’t know this about me but I have a few different kinds of mental illness. I Suffer from depression, anxiety and PTSD. I have also attempted suicide and almost died. I know people and family who have died from it and it’s a hard topic for most to swallow.
That being said there is a furry happening on the internet right now. And boy am I apart of this and mad. Let me break it down for you incase you don’t know. There is a kid who’s kinda famous for his crappy and not funny YouTube videos. He recently made one where he went to the Suicide Forest in Japan. A place where mass amounts of people go to Kill themselves. This Dumbass went through the forest found a dead body and filmed it. WAIT!!! There’s more… he and his friends then proceed to mock the situation, laugh and make jokes. NO PART OF THAT IS OKAY. Suicide is not a joke. It is also not something to be shown on YouTube or two kids. It is not a marketing scheme. This is 10000000% not okay. He is mocking this for the purpose of getting more views and likes or whatever on YouTube.
Yes, he later “Tweeted” an apology, and it was the worst written apology. All he talks about is himself, he uses a line from spiderman and claims that it was just a mistake. He is a sick bastard. LET’S SAY WHY!!
1.He sought out the Suicide Forest in Japan. A Place where mass amounts of people GO TO KILL THEMSELVES!!! SO he got on a plane…went around the world…on accident…. Yeah right!
2.He found the dead body and then filmed it.
3.Him and his friends then made jokes, mocked and laughed about the body and suicide.
4.He then posted it and tagged it comedy
5.He POSTED IT TO YOUTUBE KIDS-THATS WRONG ON ANOTHER LEVEL

It is absolutely disgusting and wrong. This kid is a sick disgusting poor excuse of a human being. I pray for him cause he needs it. He claims this is all a mistake. That it was an accident. I’m sorry you don’t do that much planning and spend that kind time and money on an accident or mistake. He meant to do this and that’s the worst part. His only upset is that he got caught and is getting called out for it as he should be. He needs to be held responsible and punished for his actions. And YouTube needs to get there act together. To put it as a trending video, leave it up for twelve hours and then not delete his account. I am disgusted. CHILDREN SAW THIS. And what’s sad is Logan has followers that may act on this just to gain his attention. Or kids will agree and think this topic is a joke. Logan is despicable.
There so many names I could call him.. But I won’t. One word Logan…
KARMA

LOVE- The age of online dating

Hey all, This was written from a hospital bed… my health is a pain. That being said let’s get to it!!

*LOVE*

We all know what this word means. Do we all know that love is truly an action word? Not just an adjective. Love is an action. It’s something we can do and show. It’s a huge part of all of us. We grow up idolize for love stories around us. We read stories about it and watch movies. Striving for a love that makes our heart flutter, makes us smile bigger and brighter. We all want it. Don’t lie…

I thought it was fake. I was a skeptic I hated sappy movies, stupid sappy books. I grew up with divorced parents, and grandparents. I saw failed love. Quit trying to sell me a lie. We don’t get happy endings. Love like that didn’t exist. Someone isn’t going to love me like that. Men are pigs. Men only use us. The list of things I believed was endless. I had a deep seeded hate for love and men.

Then two things happened. I learned about God and I found real love. Not without a bit of work.

Let’s start with God. He showed me grace. And a whole lot of love. Never ending and unfailing love. Loving me at my hardest and bringing me through the hardest things I have ever had to face. He’s the rock. He showed me that I’m fearfully and wonderfully made. He showed me that I’m so lovable. I grew to love him too. He showed me a love I was desperately seeking. He made me believe. He opened me up so I get receive the man I call the love of my life. next to god. God kept his promise and on HIS TIME, he gave me what I wanted.

Popeye. That’s what we will call him for now. Let’s keep him anonymous a little while longer. We met in March, after a tough health battle and, a stressful move. I was getting deep in my love for god, working out and doing me. I was in a good spot. I spent some time on various dating sites. One of them being Tinder…didn’t take me long to form some very strong opinions on the male population. And to figure out what I was looking for and how I wanted to be treated. I was not to be treated like some glorified sex toy, I want respect, I wanted the whole nine yards. I wanted my knight in shining whatever or my prince. I wouldn’t settle for less. I often wound up frustrated or in tears. Wondering why I couldn’t get my happy ending or fairy tale. Why I couldn’t get the nice guy. I had some awful pickup lines thrown at me, and oh so much more. Wait for the blog post called The Horrors of Online Dating. There will be one trust me. Now I know this is how my generation meets people. So please Do not judge. I spent time on some that were just infuriating. Not all men are living for god or god’s way. I’d actually go far as to say most aren’t. They like to say they are but trust me…. that’s a lie. Quite a few times I felt ready to give up. But I didn’t. And I’m so glad I didn’t. This story is really very interesting.

My search for “my knight in shining whatever” (Grey’s Anatomy reference, sorry not sorry) was beginning to get very bleak. At one point I was on almost every mainstream dating app available to me. Constantly matching and messaging. Only to end up with gross pickup lines, immature boys, boys only wanting sex and just incompatible people. I wasn’t being super picky either. I wanted a man. I knew that for sure. I took people’s suggestion on how to make my profile standout. I read countless articles on how to find the next boyfriend. None of them worked. SO after a really hard workout in the gym, talking to a guy that I had no interest in, and growing really tired of wondering if I would ever get my happy ending. I decided to go home and delete the dating apps. They weren’t working so what was the point? I went home, showered and was sitting on my bed deleting the apps. I had countless messages that frankly embarrass men. Growing more and more annoyed I was so ready to give up on love. I was looking for the kind of relationship that they write about In love stories. The kind in songs, where men love their woman so much that they treat them like it. Someone to treat me well. I want a love that people see and can tell we were put together by God. I wanted my Prince Charming, my best friend and my person. I had decided the kind of girlfriend and wife I wanted to be. I wanted to make the man know how special he was everyday, be their best friend, and love them endlessly. I wasn’t looking to sport date. I was looking for the man I would marry. I didn’t want to waste time dating meaningless people when I could be spending time with the love of my life. Because I knew when I found that person, the time we had together would already not be enough. Time is valuable.

So back to the story. I had deleted most of my dating apps.. all that left was one called clover. Not your usual app. I was scrolling through before I deleted it and I saw Popeyes’s profile. Now I will be honest, his profile wasn’t great. He didn’t have many pictures and a really short bio. I don’t know what made me like him but something did. Something told me to message him. So I did. We matched up and I messaged him. Right away. A simple hi, how are you ?. That was it. It was late about one am if I remember right. We talked all night. Till about three am. We talked all day the next day… and the day after that. We quickly realized how much we had in common… we talked about everything. I was really smitten. We were hitting off. He was true gentleman and didn’t treat me like anyone else. He said some of the most amazing things to me. He was a dream come true. About three days into our talking we called each other and talked for four hours. FOUR!!! It only felt like ten minutes. We were really connecting. So we kept talking and things went really well. We were dying to meet each other. He had told me I was “the best”. He saw our potential. Within a few days we talked about the future, we talked about our feelings and love was already beginning to blossom. By about the fourth day we had to meet each other.

I broke a big rule and let him come to my house. I went downstairs and let him in.i was so nervous and oh so excited. I will never forget the first time I saw him in person. Truly love at first sight. I kissed him. Not long after seeing him. A deep and passionate kiss, a type of kiss I had never felt before. I knew then that I wanted to be his girlfriend.. I brought him upstairs and talked to him for a few minutes before kissing him again. I kissed him and it led to another… and before I knew it, we were getting dressed and to go get ice cream. Strawberry. His favorite. We had and amazing time getting ice cream. We set up our second date and he went home. We were both very smitten. I would even say early love. Later that week we ended up having a sleepover at my place, we had Azteca and played our favorite game, phase ten. Things were very different for us… he met my family after about a week. My grandparents and sister. I had never had a boyfriend meet my grandparents …. None of my relationships ever really worked. I was too driven or too serious about where the relationships were going. Popeye liked this about me though.

We spent the next few weeks falling more in love and by the end of our first month together we were in full blown love. We knew we would be together for a long time! We discussed the future in great detail and length. We had the same goals. He went to church with me and still does. He came to my baptism. Took me out to prom. Spent time with my mom and my niece. We moved fast to most people but it wasn’t for us. It was normal. We simply progressed. We never held back. And yeah it eventually got hard but it always does and you don’t quit even then. I had moments where I would look at him and I would smile, my heart would smile. I felt it in every part of me.

After three months I had introduced to a huge chunk of my family, my parents, and most of my siblings. I had met his family and we were in business. Our love was and still is so epic. We did so many things together. Road trips, dinner dates, long walks, the beach, motorcycle rides, pageant life, family events and so much more. We were open and honest and always doing the little things for each other. He treats me like I’m a princess. The things he says, the things he does…. Are all the things I could have dreamed of and more. He came to the hospital with my favorite food. He’s caught me when I have passed out.. and shown me true love. There have been nights I wake up with messages just cause he was thinking about me. Often looking at my pictures and telling me I’m beautiful. Princess and queen are often things he calls me. He looks at me like I’m the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen. He tells me loves me so often. I never have to wonder. He sends me songs that make him think of me. Popeye is the most amazing man. We get told a lot that we look happy together and that we are very cute. And I will agree. He makes me smile so big. People see a true happiness that’s from the inside out in both of us. He makes me better.

One time we went to dinner… and we were just being us. We went to this fancy restaurant , with a amazing view of the Seattle waterfront. We were over the water. Seals were swimming by us. The sun was setting. And we had the most amazing meal in front of us. And I will never forget that moment and looking across the table and seeing his smile and his brown eyes and feeling so in love with him. Feeling so joyful. Knowing that the man I had prayed for and hoped for was sitting right across from me.

So we are about two and half months away from being together for six months. These have been some of the best months. We have had moments where it’s really hard. We even took a week break. But we are stronger. We love each other. Trust each other and respect each other. We poke fun at each other, laugh and love so much! We are going to be together for a very long time. And one day I want nothing more than to be his wife. I look forward to that day. I want to be the one he comes home to. We have so many plans together. He’s my future…every big thing I want, I want him right beside me.

So yes….. online dating works! Yes your man is out there! And yes true love is real. And it feels so good!!!!! Don’t stop looking. And age differences and heigh differences don’t matter! (After your 18) Me and Popeye have a 16 year age difference… Im about six or seven inches taller. But guess what? Our love conquers that. “Love conquers all”. I have anxiety, PTSD and depression….he still loves me. We make it work. Fairytales do exist. They aren’t like the ones int the books though. They are real and much better. We have had hard times but nothing compared to the good! All relationships do. We aren’t perfect. But we love each other and god and that’s enough. I truly believe in love.

The age of online dating!