late night writing Archives

A different kind of love

Hey there!!
It’s been a long time since I have posted a blog post. Way too long. I wish I had got on it sooner. I had wanted to be more consistent. I have so many hobbies and things I love to do. I have had other things take priority and set the hobbies in a priority list and some have been ignored completely and that’s not good. It’s time I find peace, I find balance and do the things that I love to do. I love my newest hobby that is Planning in my Happy Planner! You can definitely see more of that on my Instagram that’ll link below. And I will do some posts on here for that as well.

I have finished High school. I have been doing it online through my current college. I am now setting my sights on the SAT and getting into college and getting a bachelor’s degree and if my heart still tells me, I will then head on to med school. I have dreamed of being a doctor for a long time!! It is a huge passion of mine. But I have also fallen in love with other things. So I will start with my bachelor’s degree and decide from there. I also love business and Entrepreneurial things. I have lots of ideas written down for businesses and products. SO Shark Tank if you see this help me!!! LOL! In all honesty, my mind and heart wonder if the medicine is 100% where I want to end up. But I do know 100% that I want to go to college and get a BA. So that’s the next step.

My life is constantly changing. So to give you a complete update would take a massive amount of time and be a very long read. I am not sure that you want that long read. I can say this…I am not one for new year’s resolutions. I prefer to set attainable goals for the year. In 2018 it was to grow in my faith… which definitely happened. My faith was tested and I learned to have childlike faith in God again. I made a few for this year. I made a big one and then some smaller goals. My main goal was to take care of me in every way possible. To be the healthiest I could. To take care of all parts of me like physical, mental, health, all of it. So I have been removing negative things and energy, I have set boundaries, addressed some health issues and have been truly telling my truths and being 100% unapologetically me. Let me tell you that is not easy. It’s harder than anyone could imagine. To fully take care of yourself and do what is best for you is difficult. To put yourself first is hard. Especially if you’re like me. I am focusing on falling in love with myself. I am working the things I enjoy and that makes me happy. My hobbies, My friends, and my family. My priorities are the relationship I have with myself and God. I need to love myself. I need to heal from the things life has dealt me and some of the choices I made. I have to learn to find peace in myself and in God. I am trying to love Kandysse. For everything I am and everything, I am not. I am working on taking care of my body and getting healthy. I Have an amazing care team and have an awesome doctor so I am now able to really work on my health conditions and see the necessary specialists. I am working on eating better, growing my hair, and not biting my nails. Seriously… These are parts of taking care of me. I am doing self-care. I am seeing a therapist again and finding out what I need. What I can do to be the best version of myself. This means I am saying No, I am not letting people walk all over me, I am being kind to myself. I am truly making myself a priority. And when you declare a goal to the universe, If you’re open and willing the universe will help you achieve that goal. That’s what I see happening to me. The Universe is putting things in my path to help me put myself first and achieve this goal. It is teaching me who I am and what I want. How to take care of me. The universe is taking people out of my life that do me no good. Helping change and grow relationships. I am truly being pushed by not only myself but the Universe and God. There is a force greater than me propelling every moment and every event in my life. I feel that I have, in the last two months already made a lot of progress in my choice to take care of me. I have dealt with and confronted some big things in my life and began working on a better me. I am glad that I have. It’s what is right and it’s so important. I will be spending time finding myself. Learning more about me. What I like and What I want to do. I will head to college and truly grow. I hope to continue this past this year, but I needed to start this year.

If you haven’t gotten it about me yet or don’t know me. I am the kind of person who will give and give even when I am empty. I put everyone else in my life before me. I will do anything for those I love and care for. I will give the shirt off my back. And while that’s great it has also, become a toxic trait too. Because I run myself into the ground and feed others when I need to be feeding myself. I have grown to see that I need to fill my cup before I fill others. I need to put my oxygen mask on before those around me. I have spent so much of my life is available to everyone around me, I haven’t been available to kandysse. And this is the year that changes. The year I spend filling my cup. I spend growing. And learning when to give to others. Then it becomes adapting and carrying this lesson in the following years.

I have given so many people pieces of me, I often feel I have nothing left for myself. I have become this half version of myself. Too stretched to be me. Too empty and lost. To recognize when it’s time to take a step back and take care of me. This is so important. I need to be able to help me before I can help others. I need to be in love with me… before I can be in love with others. It’s about balance. And my life has lacked. It has affected so many areas of my life. I haven’t been present for me. I haven’t been there for myself the way I am there for everyone else and that’s not healthy. I have a lot of learning to do and growth. But that’s a huge part of what this year is for. I am going to take time and fall in love with myself. I am going to date myself, I am going to do my hobbies, find balance, spend a lot of time with my family. Like my niece, I am going to hang with my friends. This will be an adventure and be so good for me.

I have already grown since January One. I have made changes. Loved myself more than I have before. I am happy to see the progress already. But there is still so much left to do. So much to go. A big thing I have learned is that no one is really your better half. You’re complete on your own.

With that, I wish you a happy valentines day! I hope you remember that your first love and most important should be with yourself!
There will be more posts. More things to talk about. Stay tuned!!

I’m Back!

Hello All!

It has been quite a while since my last blog post. About ten months to be exact. Which is a really long time. No real big excuse other than life has happened and I haven’t put this as high on my priority list as I’d like to or it should’ve been. I thought since not many people read it, that it wasn’t a big deal. But posting often, and working on it… will get more readers. Plus this isn’t really just about how many people read about it. This is for me as well.

To give an update about what is happening in my life, I have been dealing with my health. It’s been my main focus. Spending a lot of my time in the hospital or doctors office. I have switched primary care doctors and that is the best decision I have made health wise in a long time. We haven’t nailed down a diagnosis yet but we have figured out some pieces to this massive puzzle. There will be a blog post on this. My health is a huge obstacle right now. I have taken a break from school recently that was two weeks and due to new and arising health issues, I have decided to extend it a little bit longer. I have had two family members get married which was very exciting…I went to one in Leavenworth and one in Wenatchee..(I don’t know if I have mentioned it but a majority of my family is from Wenatchee.) I have also been connecting with my friends, some old some new. I have been very selective of who I give my energy and time too. Especially because I don’t have much energy. I don’t want to spend it with people who drain me and offer little to no positivity to my life. It has been an interesting summer and fall. I have watched a few of my friends grow and move to different areas, go to college and a few even got married. Which as all been really cool to see.

My relationship, we have grown so much. Not only individually but as a couple as well. Also learned so much this year. I have learned that relationships are not always sunshine and rainbows, there are hard times and in a relationship, it is important to stick by your partner in those times, not just the good ones. And these are the often the times that the most growth happens and love blooms. I have loved harder than I ever knew possible. I love all the special moments him and I have shared. We have had more holidays, birthdays and family events to go together. More adventures and road trips, which we also love. I have seen him grow. We have both gotten better at the typical relationship things like communication and trust. All crucial to a happy and healthy relationship. I love him so and I really believe that he is the one in the last ten months I have grown to see that this is the man God has set apart for me. The man I will one day(in the near future) call my husband. The man who will change my last name. My respect for him has also grown. I have learned that I love to give gifts, thoughtful, sometimes handmade, quite often.

I have fallen more in love with my beautiful niece.. which I truly thought was impossible. Being that, I loved her so much already. She is the light of my world. She means so much to me. Her 2nd birthday also happens to be right around the corner. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! I can’t believe she is already two.

I still want to be an MD.. but its growing to be a challenge since I constantly need a Dr. URG!!!

That is all I have for now! get ready for more blog posts and stay tuned!

LOGAN PAUL TW

TW- Suicide and mental health and there will be swearing!
LOGAN PAUL

Okay so if you are new to my blog then you don’t know this about me but I have a few different kinds of mental illness. I Suffer from depression, anxiety and PTSD. I have also attempted suicide and almost died. I know people and family who have died from it and it’s a hard topic for most to swallow.
That being said there is a furry happening on the internet right now. And boy am I apart of this and mad. Let me break it down for you incase you don’t know. There is a kid who’s kinda famous for his crappy and not funny YouTube videos. He recently made one where he went to the Suicide Forest in Japan. A place where mass amounts of people go to Kill themselves. This Dumbass went through the forest found a dead body and filmed it. WAIT!!! There’s more… he and his friends then proceed to mock the situation, laugh and make jokes. NO PART OF THAT IS OKAY. Suicide is not a joke. It is also not something to be shown on YouTube or two kids. It is not a marketing scheme. This is 10000000% not okay. He is mocking this for the purpose of getting more views and likes or whatever on YouTube.
Yes, he later “Tweeted” an apology, and it was the worst written apology. All he talks about is himself, he uses a line from spiderman and claims that it was just a mistake. He is a sick bastard. LET’S SAY WHY!!
1.He sought out the Suicide Forest in Japan. A Place where mass amounts of people GO TO KILL THEMSELVES!!! SO he got on a plane…went around the world…on accident…. Yeah right!
2.He found the dead body and then filmed it.
3.Him and his friends then made jokes, mocked and laughed about the body and suicide.
4.He then posted it and tagged it comedy
5.He POSTED IT TO YOUTUBE KIDS-THATS WRONG ON ANOTHER LEVEL

It is absolutely disgusting and wrong. This kid is a sick disgusting poor excuse of a human being. I pray for him cause he needs it. He claims this is all a mistake. That it was an accident. I’m sorry you don’t do that much planning and spend that kind time and money on an accident or mistake. He meant to do this and that’s the worst part. His only upset is that he got caught and is getting called out for it as he should be. He needs to be held responsible and punished for his actions. And YouTube needs to get there act together. To put it as a trending video, leave it up for twelve hours and then not delete his account. I am disgusted. CHILDREN SAW THIS. And what’s sad is Logan has followers that may act on this just to gain his attention. Or kids will agree and think this topic is a joke. Logan is despicable.
There so many names I could call him.. But I won’t. One word Logan…
KARMA

L-O-V-E

Love is a four letter word that has become so jaded. The meaning of the word changing and dimminishing. No longer a word to truly show how much your care for someone. Love is thrown around like any other word in the english language. Love should hold a weight, say it when its right and stop throwing it around. You may not actually love them, you love the idea of them. That’s where we get confused. There is a big difference between loving them, and loving the idea of them.

Love is intense. We search the world high and low for love. We read books, watch shows and movies about love. We build these big hopes and dreams about love…. Only to have them smashed. To be reminded that they were just hopes and dreams. Absolutley not how it is in books or movies. We want the love like Romeo and juliet, or heathcliff, or something out of a nicholas sparks book. We wait our entire lives for a love like that. We search high and low only to end up broken hearted, and hating love. We want love so bad we look in the wrong places, we don’t do qaulity assurance. We simply say well this is close enough.

We have the world telling us what love should and shouldn’t be… but you can’t define love. You feel it. And you know it when you do.

They say that when you know that you know. You know when somethings not right and you know when you have met the person your meant to share the rest of your life with. The one. We all spend years dreaming of finding the one. Meeting the one. And when we do sometimes we throw it away or let our fears get in the way. But they don’t lie. You will know when you have met the person that is made for you. When you kiss the first time, your head will spin, you won’t even think about coming up for ait, because they are your breath of fresh air. Your body will feel like its on fire with each touch. You won’t care what yiur doing as long as your together. You will feel like the happiest person on the planet. You won’t hate all the sappy things anymore, you will be sappy. You will love listening to them talk, laughing with them. The way it feels to be wrapped up in their arms. You will look at them and it will feel like your heart is so full it will burst. You go to bed thinking you never knew you could be this happy. And most of all you will love them. Each kiss leaves you wanting more. Time goes by way too fast together and drags on when your apart. You hate sleeping apart. All you want to do is be wrapped up with each other, Sex isnt jsut sex any more, Its passionate love making. SO passionate it goes on for hours, hot and sweaty. Deep stares into eachothers eyes. Their touch makes yout body do crazy things. Thats love and thats when you have found the one.

The love we read about in books, the love we see in movies….does exist. It’s out there. You just have to be paitent. It’s worth the wait. Once you have that love never let it go. Fight for it. It’s to be said that we only get one great love. So when your great love arrives, You cant let it go.