New Year!!

Happy New Year!!

I am so glad that 2017 is over. Not my best year. But a year necessary for my growth and learning. I learned so much in the last year. I learned in many different areas of my life and about many things. I spent more time growing into a beautiful and powerful young woman. I loved hard and hurt a lot too. I got sick but I also got in the gym and had a solid workout regimen. I am proud of the things I learned and overcame in the last year. I also mourn the losses and remember the pain I felt too.

I learned so much about myself. What I like to do, Who I am, what I like to read, my dreams and goals and about my writing. I learned how my body works and what makes it upset, as well as what fuels and drives it. I grew into myself it feels like. I learned what I have to offer in a relationship and what I need/want out of one. I spent some time looking for the right one. I learned about loving myself.

I learned about what I want to do. What my desired career path is and started working towards it. I started my life coach training at SLCT. (Seattle life coach Training) And I started college.Life coaching is going to play a big role in my career.

I also finally started my blog. Something I have wanted to do for a long time. I am very much a writer. And I write about many things. For instance, I journal, do poetry and write fiction. So this is a place where it all can go. I can do a little bit of everything. But I also have lots to talk about and feel that I have a lot that can help people. If that’s people going through the same thing or looking to learn more about certain things I can help. Not to mention I think I have a pretty interesting life. Highly emotional but none the less, interesting. I want to help people and I also want to talk about some of the tougher topics. Like mental illness and babies and all the stuff people get weird about.

I learned a lot about PCOS this year too and some of the things that actually make a difference. A lot of doctors don’t know much about it but everyone says weight loss is the only thing to really help. And while yes losing weight does help a lot, it is not the only thing to help. Or the only solution.I got very sick this year quite a few times and am currently sick again. Which is really annoying if you ask me.

I also tried to start bullet journaling and that didn’t end so well for me. But I did get this make your own planner kit towards the end of November, and that is awesome and totally working for me. I enjoy it a lot. I really enjoy the creativity and how organized it allows me to be. As well as that I began bible journaling. Which is another way to say illustrating/doodling in my bible meaningfully. I was gifted two incredible bibles for doing this. One that allows me to be fully creative in how I want to do it and how much art I would like to put into it while the other has areas that I will color in and all the art is in the bible. The second one is also a hard cover and canvas type bible. (I will include links and pictures later) My christian blog where I will be posting a lot about my bible journaling and walk with God is kandysse.faith I encourage you to take a look.

I also spent a lot of time working on my drawing skills and making hand-made cards for friends and family. I grew a lot creatively this year. Especially In my writing!

My family also grew this year and I fell in love. I made some new friends and created amazing relationships. I am very excited to see where they go this year. I am especially happy for the opportunity I had this year to meet the love of my life. He is truly a blessing and I can’t wait to spend the next year with him. Learning and growing.

This last year a lot happened and a lot changed. But a lot of it was for the better. It may have been a tough year but I made it and so did you! So congrats!!! I hope this year is better and filled with growth as well. I will be working hard to get more constant with blog posts. Along with my health and happiness.

Happy New year! I hope it is a great year for all of you! Fill it wisely and let the Good vibes flow.

LOGAN PAUL TW

TW- Suicide and mental health and there will be swearing!
LOGAN PAUL

Okay so if you are new to my blog then you don’t know this about me but I have a few different kinds of mental illness. I Suffer from depression, anxiety and PTSD. I have also attempted suicide and almost died. I know people and family who have died from it and it’s a hard topic for most to swallow.
That being said there is a furry happening on the internet right now. And boy am I apart of this and mad. Let me break it down for you incase you don’t know. There is a kid who’s kinda famous for his crappy and not funny YouTube videos. He recently made one where he went to the Suicide Forest in Japan. A place where mass amounts of people go to Kill themselves. This Dumbass went through the forest found a dead body and filmed it. WAIT!!! There’s more… he and his friends then proceed to mock the situation, laugh and make jokes. NO PART OF THAT IS OKAY. Suicide is not a joke. It is also not something to be shown on YouTube or two kids. It is not a marketing scheme. This is 10000000% not okay. He is mocking this for the purpose of getting more views and likes or whatever on YouTube.
Yes, he later “Tweeted” an apology, and it was the worst written apology. All he talks about is himself, he uses a line from spiderman and claims that it was just a mistake. He is a sick bastard. LET’S SAY WHY!!
1.He sought out the Suicide Forest in Japan. A Place where mass amounts of people GO TO KILL THEMSELVES!!! SO he got on a plane…went around the world…on accident…. Yeah right!
2.He found the dead body and then filmed it.
3.Him and his friends then made jokes, mocked and laughed about the body and suicide.
4.He then posted it and tagged it comedy
5.He POSTED IT TO YOUTUBE KIDS-THATS WRONG ON ANOTHER LEVEL

It is absolutely disgusting and wrong. This kid is a sick disgusting poor excuse of a human being. I pray for him cause he needs it. He claims this is all a mistake. That it was an accident. I’m sorry you don’t do that much planning and spend that kind time and money on an accident or mistake. He meant to do this and that’s the worst part. His only upset is that he got caught and is getting called out for it as he should be. He needs to be held responsible and punished for his actions. And YouTube needs to get there act together. To put it as a trending video, leave it up for twelve hours and then not delete his account. I am disgusted. CHILDREN SAW THIS. And what’s sad is Logan has followers that may act on this just to gain his attention. Or kids will agree and think this topic is a joke. Logan is despicable.
There so many names I could call him.. But I won’t. One word Logan…
KARMA

Book Lover

Okay so everyone will learn this about me, if you don’t already I am a bibliophile. If you don’t know what that means, basically I love books and have an obsession with them. That is nothing short of the truth. Just ask any of my family or my boyfriend. I literally was yelling in the mall the other day when I saw the Amazon bookstore. The first I had ever heard or seen of such a thing, Let me tell you that is an awesome store. (Amazon is awesome all by itself and that’s a whole other story). But in this awesome bookstore, I found this book. It’s called Rejected Princesses by Jason Porath. It is an outstanding book. It talks about kick ass woman in history, who have done amazing things. Almost all of them haven’t been mentioned in any history book. They are all awesome and important woman. It’s seldom that well behaved woman make history. This book is definitely a must read. And a must have for any girl’s bookshelf. It’s very empowering and I can’t wait to see what else the author does.

You can also totally expect more book reviews from me. So keep a watch for those.

L-O-V-E

Love is a four letter word that has become so jaded. The meaning of the word changing and dimminishing. No longer a word to truly show how much your care for someone. Love is thrown around like any other word in the english language. Love should hold a weight, say it when its right and stop throwing it around. You may not actually love them, you love the idea of them. That’s where we get confused. There is a big difference between loving them, and loving the idea of them.

Love is intense. We search the world high and low for love. We read books, watch shows and movies about love. We build these big hopes and dreams about love…. Only to have them smashed. To be reminded that they were just hopes and dreams. Absolutley not how it is in books or movies. We want the love like Romeo and juliet, or heathcliff, or something out of a nicholas sparks book. We wait our entire lives for a love like that. We search high and low only to end up broken hearted, and hating love. We want love so bad we look in the wrong places, we don’t do qaulity assurance. We simply say well this is close enough.

We have the world telling us what love should and shouldn’t be… but you can’t define love. You feel it. And you know it when you do.

They say that when you know that you know. You know when somethings not right and you know when you have met the person your meant to share the rest of your life with. The one. We all spend years dreaming of finding the one. Meeting the one. And when we do sometimes we throw it away or let our fears get in the way. But they don’t lie. You will know when you have met the person that is made for you. When you kiss the first time, your head will spin, you won’t even think about coming up for ait, because they are your breath of fresh air. Your body will feel like its on fire with each touch. You won’t care what yiur doing as long as your together. You will feel like the happiest person on the planet. You won’t hate all the sappy things anymore, you will be sappy. You will love listening to them talk, laughing with them. The way it feels to be wrapped up in their arms. You will look at them and it will feel like your heart is so full it will burst. You go to bed thinking you never knew you could be this happy. And most of all you will love them. Each kiss leaves you wanting more. Time goes by way too fast together and drags on when your apart. You hate sleeping apart. All you want to do is be wrapped up with each other, Sex isnt jsut sex any more, Its passionate love making. SO passionate it goes on for hours, hot and sweaty. Deep stares into eachothers eyes. Their touch makes yout body do crazy things. Thats love and thats when you have found the one.

The love we read about in books, the love we see in movies….does exist. It’s out there. You just have to be paitent. It’s worth the wait. Once you have that love never let it go. Fight for it. It’s to be said that we only get one great love. So when your great love arrives, You cant let it go.

LOVE- The age of online dating

Hey all,  This was written from a hospital bed… my health is a pain. That being said let’s get to it!!

 *LOVE*

 We all know what this word means. Do we all know that love is truly an action word? Not just an adjective. Love is an action. It’s something we can do and show. It’s a huge part of all of us. We grow up idolize for love stories around us. We read stories about it and watch movies. Striving for a love that makes our heart flutter, makes us smile bigger and brighter. We all want it. Don’t lie…

I thought it was fake. I was a skeptic I hated sappy movies, stupid sappy books. I grew up with divorced parents, and grandparents. I saw failed love. Quit trying to sell me a lie. We don’t get happy endings. Love like that didn’t exist. Someone isn’t going to love me like that. Men are pigs. Men only use us. The list of things I believed was endless. I had a deep seeded hate for love and men.

Then two things happened. I learned about God and I found real love. Not without a bit of work.

 Let’s start with God. He showed me grace. And a whole lot of love. Never ending and unfailing love. Loving me at my hardest and bringing me through the hardest things I have ever had to face. He’s the rock. He showed me that I’m fearfully and wonderfully made. He showed me that I’m so lovable. I grew to love him too. He showed me a love I was desperately seeking. He made me believe. He opened me up so I get receive the man I call the love of my life. next to god. God kept his promise and on HIS TIME, he gave me what I wanted.

Popeye. That’s what we will call him for now. Let’s keep him anonymous a little while longer. We met in March, after a tough health battle and, a stressful move. I was getting deep in my love for god, working out and doing me. I was in a good spot. I spent some time on various dating sites. One of them being Tinder…didn’t take me long to form some very strong opinions on the male population. And to figure out what I was looking for and how I wanted to be treated. I was not to be treated like some glorified sex toy, I want respect, I wanted the whole nine yards. I wanted my knight in shining whatever or my prince. I wouldn’t settle for less. I often wound up frustrated or in tears. Wondering why I couldn’t get my happy ending or fairy tale. Why I couldn’t get the nice guy. I had some awful pickup lines thrown at me, and oh so much more. Wait for the blog post called The Horrors of Online Dating. There will be one trust me. Now I know this is how my generation meets people. So please Do not judge. I spent time on some that were just infuriating. Not all men are living for god or god’s way. I’d actually go far as to say most aren’t. They like to say they are but trust me…. that’s a lie. Quite a few times I felt ready to give up. But I didn’t. And I’m so glad I didn’t. This story is really very interesting.

My search for “my knight in shining whatever” (Grey’s Anatomy reference, sorry not sorry) was beginning to get very bleak. At one point I was on almost every mainstream dating app available to me. Constantly matching and messaging. Only to end up with gross pickup lines, immature boys, boys only wanting sex and just incompatible people. I wasn’t being super picky either. I wanted a man. I knew that for sure. I took people’s suggestion on how to make my profile standout. I read countless articles on how to find the next boyfriend. None of them worked. SO after a really hard workout in the gym, talking to a guy that I had no interest in, and growing really tired of wondering if I would ever get my happy ending. I decided to go home and delete the dating apps. They weren’t working so what was the point? I went home, showered and was sitting on my bed deleting the apps. I had countless messages that frankly embarrass men. Growing more and more annoyed I was so ready to give up on love. I was looking for the kind of relationship that they write about In love stories. The kind in songs, where men love their woman so much that they treat them like it. Someone to treat me well. I want a love that people see and can tell we were put together by God. I wanted my Prince Charming, my best friend and my person. I had decided the kind of girlfriend and wife I wanted to be. I wanted to make the man know how special he was everyday, be their best friend, and love them endlessly. I wasn’t looking to sport date. I was looking for the man I would marry. I didn’t want to waste time dating meaningless people when I could be spending time with the love of my life. Because I knew when I found that person, the time we had together would already not be enough. Time is valuable.

 So back to the story. I had deleted most of my dating apps.. all that left was one called clover. Not your usual app. I was scrolling through before I deleted it and I saw Popeyes’s profile. Now I will be honest, his profile wasn’t great. He didn’t have many pictures and a really short bio. I don’t know what made me like him but something did. Something told me to message him. So I did. We matched up and I messaged him. Right away. A simple hi, how are you ?. That was it. It was late about one am if I remember right. We talked all night. Till about three am. We talked all day the next day… and the day after that. We quickly realized how much we had in common… we talked about everything. I was really smitten. We were hitting off. He was true gentleman and didn’t treat me like anyone else. He said some of the most amazing things to me. He was a dream come true. About three days into our talking we called each other and talked for four hours. FOUR!!! It only felt like ten minutes. We were really connecting. So we kept talking and things went really well. We were dying to meet each other. He had told me I was “the best”. He saw our potential. Within a few days we talked about the future, we talked about our feelings and love was already beginning to blossom. By about the fourth day we had to meet each other.

 I broke a big rule and let him come to my house. I went downstairs and let him in.i was so nervous and oh so excited. I will never forget the first time I saw him in person. Truly love at first sight. I kissed him. Not long after seeing him. A deep and passionate kiss, a type of kiss I had never felt before. I knew then that I wanted to be his girlfriend.. I brought him upstairs and talked to him for a few minutes before kissing him again. I kissed him and it led to another… and before I knew it, we were getting dressed and to go get ice cream. Strawberry. His favorite. We had and amazing time getting ice cream. We set up our second date and he went home. We were both very smitten. I would even say early love. Later that week we ended up having a sleepover at my place, we had Azteca and played our favorite game, phase ten. Things were very different for us… he met my family after about a week. My grandparents and sister. I had never had a boyfriend meet my grandparents …. None of my relationships ever really worked. I was too driven or too serious about where the relationships were going. Popeye liked this about me though.

 We spent the next few weeks falling more in love and by the end of our first month together we were in full blown love. We knew we would be together for a long time! We discussed the future in great detail and length. We had the same goals. He went to church with me and still does. He came to my baptism. Took me out to prom. Spent time with my mom and my niece. We moved fast to most people but it wasn’t for us. It was normal. We simply progressed. We never held back. And yeah it eventually got hard but it always does and you don’t quit even then. I had moments where I would look at him and I would smile, my heart would smile. I felt it in every part of me. 

 After three months I had introduced to a huge chunk of my family, my parents, and most of my siblings. I had met his family and we were in business. Our love was and still is so epic. We did so many things together. Road trips, dinner dates, long walks, the beach, motorcycle rides, pageant life, family events and so much more. We were open and honest and always doing the little things for each other. He treats me like I’m a princess. The things he says, the things he does…. Are all the things I could have dreamed of and more. He came to the hospital with my favorite food. He’s caught me when I have passed out.. and shown me true love. There have been nights I wake up with messages just cause he was thinking about me. Often looking at my pictures and telling me I’m beautiful. Princess and queen are often things he calls me. He looks at me like I’m the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen. He tells me loves me so often. I never have to wonder. He sends me songs that make him think of me. Popeye is the most amazing man. We get told a lot that we look happy together and that we are very cute. And I will agree. He makes me smile so big. People see a true happiness that’s from the inside out in both of us. He makes me better. 

One time we went to dinner… and we were just being us. We went to this fancy restaurant , with a amazing view of the Seattle waterfront. We were over the water. Seals were swimming by us. The sun was setting. And we had the most amazing meal in front of us. And I will never forget that moment and looking across the table and seeing his smile and his brown eyes and feeling so in love with him. Feeling so joyful. Knowing that the man I had prayed for and hoped for was sitting right across from me. 

 So we are about two and half months away from being together for six months. These have been some of the best months. We have had moments where it’s really hard. We even took a week break. But we are stronger. We love each other. Trust each other and respect each other. We poke fun at each other, laugh and love so much! We are going to be together for a very long time. And one day I want nothing more than to be his wife. I look forward to that day. I want to be the one he comes home to. We have so many plans together. He’s my future…every big thing I want, I want him right beside me.

 So yes….. online dating works! Yes your man is out there! And yes true love is real. And it feels so good!!!!! Don’t stop looking. And age differences and heigh differences don’t matter! (After your 18) Me and Popeye have a 16 year age difference… Im about six or seven inches taller. But guess what? Our love conquers that. “Love conquers all”. I have anxiety, PTSD and depression….he still loves me. We make it work. Fairytales do exist. They aren’t like the ones int the books though. They are real and much better. We have had hard times but nothing compared to the good! All relationships do. We aren’t perfect. But we love each other and god and that’s enough. I truly believe in love. 

The age of online dating!

•Welcome•

Hey there, welcome to my blog.
Wether you stumbled upon it or I asked you to read it, I welcome you.

I am new to this blogging thing but it’s been a long time goal of mine. I have a lot to say and my life is different. I’m different. I say this knowing we are all different and unique as they say. But my teen years and even adolescent were harder than most, my health is a giant pain in my butt, and so much more. With each post you will learn more about me and maybe you will even find this helpful to you. I wish I could have seen this coming so I could help myself but instead, most times I found myself up a creek without a paddle.

So with that said before I do any “real” posts, I will tell you a little about me. Eventually you get to know me.. and I will know myself a little better too.

I’m Kandysse. I’m 18 and from Seattle, Washington. Okay well less from Seattle but from another little suburbia north of Seattle but those of us from Washington truly just find it easier to say Seattle.

I will be starting college this fall and finishing up my diploma.(See future blog post for the story there) I have a lot of big dreams and goals. I’m often told I’m too much of a dreamer and am too driven. I don’t think such a thing exists. I want to be a doctor, a naturopath doctor. My goal is to be on Seattle Metropolitans cover for their issue of top doctors. I want to change the world…that one I know is crazy.

I also want to travel. I have a major love for Paris and all things French. I am the youngest of all my siblings. Four brothers and one sister. I come from a very confusing mixed race and blended family. Wouldn’t trade it but boy is it a handful sometimes. I do a lot of volunteering and am in pageants. Before you even think it or say it…. NO ITS NOT LIKE TODDELERS IN TIARAS. Now that we got that out of the way. I also have a few health issues. These have changed my life and how I see things. I have also faced a lot of death and trauma in my life. I’m an advocate for special needs people and those suffering from mental illnesses.

As for other aspects in my life. I am Christian… I got a whole other blog for that!  I have an amazing man, whom I am madly in love with.(We’ll call him Popeye to keep him anonymous 😉 ) I have a major love for animals including my dog Chester. He’s my service animal (expect to talk about that later) and so much more. I can’t fit all of it here but through each post you can expect to learn more and more about me, learn about these different things and hopefully find some comfort that your life may not in fact be as screwed up or odd as you think it is 🙂

Anyways, Ta Ta for now!

Thanks for coming to my blog! Stay tuned 🙂