Kandysse's Blog

Another angel…

Hello everyone,

I would very much like to not be seeing this unfold or have this conversation again. And what is “this” you may be wondering? I am referring to the death of a sweet young girl by the name of Aubreigh Wyatt. I am incredibly saddened to hear this right on the heels of Genzelle. Another case of a beautiful young girl being bullied to death. Aubreigh’s mom has been court ordered to keep quiet and no social media or press. That doesn’t mean I can’t use my voice for her. I Think it’s incredibly unfair to silence her and I think if anything this needs to be a conversation on the forefront even more now.

This beautiful young girl had her whole life ahead of her. She was a girl for god. Walking by the light of his path. She was a sister. She was a daughter. She had many amazing things about her. She was only 13. She did gymnastics and was loved by many for her bubbly personality. I can’t imagine the pain her family is going through. My heart truly goes out to them.

Just a few months ago, locally we dealt with another young teen girl who had been bullied to the point she took her own life. I hate to see another. The world truly has to change and people desperately need to learn to be kind. Has no one heard Thumper? “If you can’t say nothing nice, don’t say nothing at all”, This is a lesson I think most people could take to heart. We are often told not to let words hurt us. But words do hurt. And when they are repeated to you everyday you begin to believe them. I know I certainly did. It’s taken years to overcome them and no longer hear them ringing in my ears or echo when I look in the mirror. There is no reason that anyone needs to be this way. It costs absolutely nothing to be kind, and if you can’t be kind then just don’t say anything.. Anyone who’s been bullied didn’t deserve it. To the kids who have died as a result is also horrible. Parents need to do better. Schools need to do better.

I fully believe that if someone is bullied to the point of sucide then those responsible should be charged with murder. It is no different than killing someone in cold blood in my opinion. In this whole process some how the Wyatt family is still the ones ending up in pain. Heather may not be able to share Aubreigh’s story, but I can. And I absolutely every intention of doing so.

This is another example of a death that absolutely could have been prevented. In this case the four girls responsible for Aubreigh’s death and bullying sued Heather. Causing the court to order silence from her. Demanding that she removes herself form all social media. To stop talking about her daughter. TO which It makes me wonder….it seems a little odd that the court is not allowing free speech on the topic. What are they getting out of this?? If your kids are a hundred percent innocent then why does she need to be silenced. I think it’s crossing a line and incredibly suspicious.

The internet can be both an incredible place and horrible one. Sometimes at the same time. Through the internet I was able to learn about both girls. And especially in this case, able to also see the evidence. And there is more than enough of it. The internet is also allowing for people all over to hear her story and share it. Say her name and bring justice. To mourn together and offer our love and company as they battle this. It allows us to show each other that we are never alone. It’s showing both the best and the worst of people. I am extremely grateful for the internet and it allowing me to hear of this so I can advocate and try to bring justice.

In learning about this case, I learned that it was another situation where the school had been informed of the bullying and did nothing. Where at one point they said oh “so and so would never do that”. No punishment and no protection of the victim. After a certain point you get tired and stop reporting or never do it altogether because you learn that it doesn’t matter if you do. Now we are dealing with court cases built to silence Aubreigh’s mom and hide her story. A court case of the girls and their parents defending and minimizing their actions. Or claiming defimation for their girls to be addressed for what they did. They don’t like their kids being the villain in the story so they want it closed.

I am disgusted by not only the school and all the staff who sat by, I am disgusted by the judicial system and the parents. By humanity. We have come to accept the bullying and unkindness. I will be the first to say that I absolutely do not accept this. I want to make change. This has to stop…. are they not going to care until it’s their kid buried before even finding themselves? Are they okay with it till it’s their sister they have to take a balloon to in order to wish them a happy birthday? Are they okay with their grandchild never graduating or getting married? Because those are all things taken away from Aubreigh’s family, and far too many others.

We need to be raising the kids better. We need to be raising kind kids. When bullying is reported It needs to be handled swiftly and severe. More education so we all know what forms bullying takes and how it starts. Often times it gets shoved under the rug a few times before anyone is even talked to. And we need to be handling it the first time and immediately. Not the second time or third. When all these schools say they have a zero tolerance bullying policy, they need to actually mean it. They need to discipline like they mean it. The punishments need to be more than a suspension..I also believe that they need better counselors hired on at school. We need to stop teaching kids to accept any unkind treatment. Stop saying “Boys will be boys” or “Just walk away”. Have you ever tried to walk away from a bully? It often makes them mad and whatever they do worse. Not to mention they can just follow you and often times they do. The groups made with Kids being bullied and their bully to make amends and learn how to be together needs to stop.

Parents shouldn’t be living in fear of sending their kids to school because they are worried about the bullying they may face. Altering things about their children or going out of their way to attempt to make sure all is trendy and give them everything in hopes someone doesn’t make fun of them. The idea of when a child is born the choice of name is a huge task. So as to try them and make sure that name won’t set your kid up to be picked on. No parent should be called down to the school for it. Not receiving texts while at work of the bullying done. Your child begging to be picked up from school or not attend at all. And most of all no parent should ever find their child deceased, notes from them or bury them. Parents aren’t supposed to bury their children.

It’s incredibly sad that we won’t know who these kids would’ve grown up to be or the things they could’ve accomplished. Maybe one was the next Einstein. Now they are incredible and beautiful angels.

My heart goes out to the families and friends of those affected by suicide and who have lost someone due to it. My heart goes out to all the first responder that take those calls. My prayers go to you. I ask God to hold these sweet angels close to his chest and they know no more pain. I wish that we continue to speak their names and honor their beautiful lives.I pray we continue to fight. I will continue to advocate for change.

If you or someone you know is struggling please reach out. There are people there and that truly care. There is help out there. You can reach the national Suicide hotline is 988 and is open 24/7. Please reach out! And I pray that you know it can get better and there is so much yet to see and do. A permanent solution to a temporary problem a lot of folks say.

THANK YOU
I give you all my love!🧡

The age old saying…

We have all heard the age old saying “when it rains it pours.”

As I am getting older I am learning that phrase is very true. In the last few months it has seemed to do just that. Let’s start with my sweet boy Chester. What was a normal night turned into one of the scariest in all my years of having a dog.I was scared I was going to loose the most important thing to me. Next to god and my husband…

Chester loves food, he doesn’t have the concept that he needs to chew.He more just inhales. It’s why I have often called him hoover. He had been eating and was getting to the bottom of his bowl when he reached some cheese. He choked on it and did a little of his breathing thing. He regurgitated it and chewed. Swallowed and went back to his bowl. He still wasn’t acting like himself. For the next few hours he was showing signs of some respitory distress. My husband and I grabbed him and hurried into the emergency vet. They took him back and had him on oxygen. I felt like the world was crashing down around me. My heart was racing and my hands were sweating. I felt like I could throw up at any moment. The vet comes in and says they can’t find anything wrong and the test they want to run ,isn’t available there. They don’t have the technology to do it. They gave us some meds, sent us home. They told us what to watch for. Well the signs are all there and he begins to get worse. His breathing is in a very bad place. Worse than the first night.We rush and get Chester in the car. Mind you it also had snowed at this point. We go to one of the only vet clinics they said to have the equipment they’d need. It’s an hour away. Bellingham. Right by the border to Canada. We get there and get our boy checked in. Mind you the whole way there I had to keep jostling him around and shaking him. He was having a hard time staying awake and concinous. The vet comes to talk to us and tells us they also don’t have the equipment for Chester and he’d probably be fine. Take him home. He wasn’t fine at all. And Andrew insisted we kept on and got Chester help. And I am beyond thankful he pushed. I think Chester would have died if he hadn’t.
We knew we had to find another vet, so we begin to head south. I start calling vets on the list Andrew has. I have called probably 5 at this point and we get ahold of one in Kirkland. We give them our information and head in. When we get inside it’s noticeably ver different. They are approaching it differently, they have an open floor plan. They allow you to be as involved in your pets care as you’d like. WE get in and they immediately see Chester. The vet insists on tests and an ultrasound. We agree. We go sit to wait. Trying to keep Chester calm. That’s when an emergency comes in. A beautiful dog needing CPR…Sadly the dog didn’t make it. They had died a very instant death from an unknown cancerous mass. It was gut wrenching to see. Something I will never forget. It made me cry. I pulled Chester in close. After the high pace and energy they got to work on Chester. He again needed oxygen.He loved being in the oxygen space but it was very hard to see him in that…Night stretched onto early morning. We get the results of Chesters X-ray. His stomach is four times the size it should be. He was experiencing serious bloat. This is something that can be extremely deadly in animals and it can kill fast. Especially because it goes unnoticed until it’s too late.They give us the treatment plan and I cry. I feel so bad my poor baby is sick. They try to get the bloat down by inducing vomitting but it doesn’t work.Its horrible to watch I feel so bad for my sweet baby.Luckily the vet had a next step. We had to leave him there overnight. They gave him meds and fluids and helped him pass the food. We got his tummy down to normal size and he was doing really well.
So we got to take him home. I hated seeing my sweet boy in the kennel with an IV in. Chester then got diagnosed with Cushings disease. It was nice to know the cause but sad knowing he has a life long illness ahead of him. As someone with many I felt for him. The disease won’t kill him and shouldn’t shorten his life. It Also shouldnt affect the quality of his life. There are some changes to be made and things to watch for. He is 100% back to himself and very happy. He is running and playing. Eating normal. And with many years expected ahead. We have switched him to new food. At the recommendation from our vet. Chester is now on the Farmers Dog. He seems to love it so far. Our vet said it is the best thing to feed him next to cooking his food myself. Now we manage the symptoms of cushings, we make sure he is comfortable and monitor his food and water intake. Seeing him like this and in the hospital was horrible.It was so hard. I cried leaving him at the vet. I am beyond grateful that he is good and has many years ahead of him. “If love was enough you’d live forever..”

The next weeks are busy. We get Chester into see his regular vet.Everything goes well. We schedule an ultrasound for him to get more in depth ideas of his health. The ultrasound went really well. We got good news and images. We also got a confirmation that it is definitely cushings. We then got him groomed. He needed it desperately.He looks so adorable.

Then it was my turn for everything to go down hill. With all the health conditions I have they can often mimic other things or make me think I am sick when I am not. They also make me more prone other issues. Lately I have had a lot of issues with UTIs. It is a bigger problem for me because I am allergic to most antibiotics. I had just gotten over having a UTI…and the symptoms started to come on again. I took some ago and was drinking lots of fluids. Like water and cranberry juice. I was uncomfortable. But then things improved so I thought It went away on its own. Well a few days later the symptoms come back and they are much stronger. Some of the symptoms, this was the worst I had ever had them. I scheduled an appt with my doctor and kept treating it at home. A few days go by and my mother in law notices I don’t look very good. I had been running a fever and really didn’t look well. I decided to go to urgent care but then the time came around and I decided to wait a few more days for my appointment. My cheeks are so rosy and then flushed. Extreme nausea sets in and aversion to food. Nothing sounded good. I began t have. hard time keeping water down. I could keep juice, popsicles, gatorade and milk down. But for some reason under no circumstance could I keep water down. Andrew brought home the at home UTI tests. I took one. It took no time at all for it to come back positive. I told myself to tough it out. My appointment was tomorrow. I get all the way down to Kirkland the next morning. Only to get there and my doctor have called out sick, but I needed to be seen. So I headed downstairs to the urgent care.. I ws very happy to find out that there was no one else down there.

The nurse comes in to do the triage. I tell her everything and she has a look of concern on her face.A quick second later the doctor comes in. She asks me a ton of questions. I can tell she has an idea what’s going on but I can also tell something bad is wrong. The more I tell her the more concerned she gets…she has her questions of her own.She begins to tell me her diagnosis. I have a UTI, I am extremely dehydrated and unwell. My blood pressure is way too high. She then decides to check my blood sugar. The nurse shows her the result before saying anything to me. I knew it wasn’t good. My blood sugar came back at 349……I earned myself a one way ticket to the ER. There was also protein and sugar in my urine.

I get to the hospital only to have a five and a half hour wait. When they do take me back to the room it’s a literal storage closet. They are old med tools in the room. Even a filing cabinet. Nowhere to hang my IV. Had to use a command hook. They do some tests and the best doctor comes back to see me. He has a plan and something he’s looking for. The tests begin and they start pumping me with fluids. As the tests come back I begin to understand we have a problem. And a big one. The doctor comes back. He’s very kind and understanding.He is extremely compassionate. Not blaming me for anything and acknowledging the hard struggle of both gastroparesis and diabetes. He explains that I am in diabetic ketoacidosis. He expresses to me that it’s very dangerous and I am sitting on the cusp of irreversible damage. I was in a very dangerous position. I had been told I also had ketones in my urine. The treatment decision quickly became me being admitted.

It was becoming late. I was hungry… I hadn’t eaten in hours. So one nurse gave me a half of a sandwich. When I got upstairs to my room to get settled, I had another very nice nurse. She brought me hot Mac and cheese. It was previously a frozen tv dinner but I was so hungry I would have called it Kraft. They started a new IV. The nurse who put it in was awesome. She used a heat pack and the coolest camera specific for seeing veins. She did it in one poke. The next thing was meds and fluids. Now normally when I go to the ER I have my bag with me and it has everything I could need. We are talking phone charger, a few books, kindle, switch, toiletries and essentials pouch, a snack, maybe a color book, always a puzzle book. And I will bring my special blanket and leave it in the car, only to be brought in if I am staying. Well with it being an appointment for a quick UTI check, I figured since we were going straight home after I could go extremely light. So of course I end up staying. I won’t be doing that again. So to really get settled I had to wait for the bag Andrew was bringing. He didn’t stay too long but it was nice they didn’t have a time to Kick him out. Visiting was much easier now that we’ve passed the pandemic. As soon as Andrew left I went to bed. I was very very surprised by the bed It was super comfortable. I slept really well and didn’t even change positions. I had meds constantly it felt, which duh….I am here cause I am sick. I was constantly on fluids. They were diligent on making sure it was never empty. This also led to me needing to use the bathroom all the time. Which was extremely painful. I whimpered,or cried or let out a quiet yell. They then started pain meds which greatly helped. I slept a lot the first day. I was constantly napping. Which again, duh!! Really only up to use the bathroom or eat. Most of the time when they did my medication I was half asleep.

I was pleasantly surprised by the food at the hospital. It was actually really good. The breakfast I had twice was an egg white frittata and a berry yogurt. It also came with French toast. I had French toast with every breakfast while I was there. One morning it was just scrambled eggs and bacon on the side. For dinner one night I had steak and mashed potatoes…It was very good. Lunch was the best grilled cheese of my life with tomato soup. I had the grilled cheese again before I went home. I had the cafeteria Mac and cheese a few times too. It wasn’t bad. I had Alfredo too. I wasn’t a big fan of it and I especially didn’t like that they snuck veggies into it. Other wise I would say I had good food the entire time I was there.

Now, the internist doctor was not good. I really didn’t like how she was doing my care. She was very hard for the nurses to get ahold of. As well as being four hours late to rounds. In the first meeting she didn’t say much, practically nothing…she also didn’t have great bedside manner. I also feel like the issues at hand weren’t as serious to her as they were to us. I also didn’t receive any treatment for my kidneys. The lab results showed they were having a hard time and causing other problems. As well as making the DKA worse. Very concerning to leave that out. She didn’t explain anything or educate me on the issues. I should have also had a visit from endocrinology as well was education. But the internist was very curt too. I have never complained super openly when I don’t like a health care provider. I typically just deal and it put it to the side. Not wanting the hassle. But this was the first time I stood up for myself and my health. I advocated for myself. I kindly told the nurse that I didn’t like the doctor and didn’t feel like I was receiving good care. So I asked for a new doctor. The note was put into my chart. So you can imagine I was thrilled when the next two days she kept rounding on me. My husband and I both agree that I wasn’t ready to be sent home yet, I needed more care. When it came time to discuss my discharge I had mentioned wanting to go home but also understanding that I need more care and that’s more important than going home. I told her I still had major discomfort using the restroom as well as general pain. Still very tired and spending most of the day sleeping. For 24 hours My blood work was also showing electrolyte imbalances. I was needing bags of magnesium and potassium. I had magnesium until I went home. It was added to my last IV bag. They had also tried to cut my IV fluids back and my body started fighting again, so they had to put me back on the fluids. That makes me think I may have needed more and my body still needs serious help. Thoughts that they are stopping too early and no wouldn’t be testing me for it . No way to know if I needed more and If I do, no way to administer it. I also was still on my antibiotics.. which with my allergy to antibiotics could lead to serious problems. I really should be under close eye on the antibiotic. If it didn’t work or made me react then they could change it and treat it. Instead I was home anxious that I would react and have no meds to take, thus making me sicker. My kidney labs were still showing as struggling. None of my tests were normal yet. I also still had ketones in my urine. Plus my body could really use the IV fluids. She didn’t share any of those concerns. My husband even called voicing his concerns and some of the same I had. He told the doctor he doesn’t think I am ready to come home yet. That doing so would be extremely risky. As well as the possibility for a serious reaction to the antibiotics. If he needed to rush me to the hospital it wouldn’t be good. We live about 45 minutes away. Every second counts in an allergic reaction. But I went home anyways…and it hasn’t worked out all that well.

I am so grateful for my husband coming to visit and spending so much time with me. I am also thankful for the surprise visit from my dad and the beautiful tulips he brought. I was lucky to have another visit the next day and have my aunt there. It was nice to have company and all the love and support. I am so thankful for all my friends and other family that text me and called. I didn’t feel alone in the hospital. Thank you!!!

AS far as sending me home, I’m still dealing with a UTI and I did have a few days where I had minor ketones in my urine. But there is so much more to tell in the weeks that followed that hospital stay. So much to lead up to where we are now and the current challenges. I had thought that was the worst of it but nope…I am now seeing there are many other things that are worse or just as bad. The lack of care and trust in the medical system only got worse.I had faced so much medical trauma leading up to this, I began to really wonder if there was any hope to be found. Beginning to worry that there wasn’t anyone I would find and be able to trust in the medical system.

So stay tuned for the next post… grab your popcorn.

Legends never die…

My thoughts and prayers go out to the family and friends of Jerry West. I know all too well the grief of loosing such a pivotal person. An incredible man and icon of the game literally. He is the NBA icon. I pray that he enjoys the amazing team that is in heaven.

When I make the statement that legends never die this is true. Jerry West will live on. He is the logo of the NBA. When we teach kids and other people of the beautiful game we get to tell his story every time we look at the icon.

Sadly we have lost so many amazing players. We recently lost Bill Walton as well. Someone close to my grandfather and someone I have seen a good handful. A kind man.

My prayers go out to the families truly. These are incredible losses… But I ask that you think about a realization I had in mourning my grandpa. We as the family and friends aren’t the only ones mourning, largely the world is mourning too. Take comfort in talking to them and sharing their love and memories. Know that the pain and missing them isn’t just you. I found comfort in that. I had the whole state of Massachusetts to Stand with me as well as many other people and places around the world.

The team being built in heaven is truly incredible. I wouldn’t run around trying to start a pick up game though… You got more than a handful of olympic athletes. Plenty of the best basketball players to ever play the game. Plus some amazing coaches.

All my love.

An angel gained her wings…..

I will begin this post and provide some trigger warnings. Continue at your own discretion.

This post contains the following triggers:
suicide and suicidal thoughts
bullying
death
psychiatric hospital stays

A sweet young girl in my community just passed away. She lost her life due to suicide. She was only 16 years old. A baby. It started with her going missing, the community came together and did everything we could. My husband and I even searched for her. After three days we unfortunately got the update none of us wanted to hear. They had found her body. Her death emphasizes that bullying needs to be taken way more seriously and harsh punishments for those that do it. Especially if their bullying leads to someone’s death.

Sweet Jenzele lost her life due to bullying, they were relentless. She was a very sweet girl, and a loved member of the community. This absolutely should not have happened. I hope that those who bullied her are thinking hard and understand they killed someone. Driving someone to their death is the same as any violent killing. Jenzele was active in her community and school. She was a very kind and loving girl. On the cheer squad, apart of DECA, a great big sister and friend. Hundreds of people showed up for the candle light vigil. And a memorial began to grow. People and friends left behind notes written to her. Every single one of them talked about how Sweet,caring,empathetic, and helpful, she was. Notes of how eager she was to help anyone and listen to them. She was what she needed. I truly believe that she was this way, so that others did’t feel the way she did. We look back to people like Robin Williams. It’s said that usually the nicest people are those that are hurting the most. Jenzele was a perfect example of this. The notes mentioning how she always made time to listen to others.

Why do people always wait until it’s too late? Waiting till someone passes away before telling them or showing them how much they mean to you, How much you love them. Why is it that at someone’s funeral it is the first time they have heard I love you in years or if ever. Waiting to tell them how much they mean to us, and how much their presence means in our lives. We say in a eulogy what we should have said months ago to them. The first out pour of love and support…This has to change. I love you’s and appreciation shouldn’t just be uttered at a casket or grave side. Think about how many more lives that could be saved with one simple change. People need to hear that they are loved and valued. That a twenty minute conversation is better than twenty minutes of someone saying you passed away. Waiting till someone passes to be a better person. We always think we have more time.

As a child I was bullied. Not minor name calling or just getting shoved around. Day in and day out it was relentless. I was beat up, one of these instances even having my head thrown into the wall while in line in Elementary school. Teachers making it worse if not silent. A racial nickname given to me by a teacher. Allowing the kids to pick on me in class. Girls teaming up. Using their religion to tell me God made a mistake when making me. Kids encouraging me to kill myself. Being followed home from school and getting beaten up. The list goes on. And there are many things I am yet to be able to forget. Most days I didn’t even go to school. There was one day etched into my mind That changed everything for me.

I walked to school everyday. I got there at a decent Time. In elementary school they had it set up so when you got to school in the morning you’d play with the other kids. I didn’t typically play with anyone. I tried my best not to exist. Well this morning happened to be picture day for my grade. I wasn’t wearing anything special or have a fresh hairdo. Low and behold she walks over to me. In my mind I am thinking it’s way too early for her to start something. Like I hadn’t even had breakfast yet. She comes over to me and starts talking crap.. nothing new until she looked me dead in the eyes and said ‘God doesn’t make mistakes but he made one when he made you.” That hurt. Hurt in way I cant even describe. I can still hear it in my ears today, I can close my eyes and watch it play out like a movie. I was in awe. I couldn’t believe she just said that… I didn’t know what to make of it. But it hurt. I was never the same after that. I got upset. I looked at her and said nope. I am not doing this today. Class hadn’t started attendance hadn’t been taken, so I turned and left. I wasn’t doing it.. I couldn’t.I was in elementary School when this happened. I am 25 years old now. It still rings in my ears, some days it even hurts a little still. I still have flashbacks like watching a re-run of a tv show. I carry it with me every day. People try to tell you words don’t hurt and to let it roll off your back…and that’s a bunch of bullshit. Words do hurt and words will cut deep, they stay long after the wound has stopped bleeding. The words are something whispered in the back of your mind hovering like a dark cloud. Instead of telling kids to let it go and let it “roll off their backs “, we should try teaching kids not to bully. Not to harass and say things that leave a mark forever. Using religion to deliver that blow was more than I could ever have imagined. And that was one of the first times I thought about killing myself. And the first attempt. Now mind you I was a young kid…. So I didn’t fully understand it. But I thought about hanging myself in the living room of our house and I then thought about stabbing my self. I went to the kitchen and found the biggest knife we had and held it pushed into my chest. I wasn’t strong enough or wise enough to know how to stab myself but I drew a little blood. I set the knife down and cried on the kitchen floor. In elementary I had decided I didn’t want to be alive anymore.

I went to my mother with the support of one of my closest and one of like five friends I had. I told her what was happening. She and my sister were out raged. Both of them paying a few visits to the school. When it came time, we say with school officials and a police officer. The school counselor was brought in.

Here is another reason kids loose their life to suicide.

I had told my school counselor about the bullying. We had taken health class and they taught us all about bullying. What it was, how it happens, the different kinds and what to do if it happens to you or another kid. During the lesson, in one of the example videos I related. My brain said wait a minute, this is what is happening to me.

Another moment etched into my memory. One replaying like an old re-run.

I went to the school counselor. I was in the hall after being picked on and sent out because I had an emotional outburst. Up walks the school counselor, asking what is going on. I tell her and I then say (insert name here) is bullying me. She looks me in the eyes and says that’s a big thing to say, a very serious claim. Then proceeds to say ” I highly doubt that’s the case, I don’t think you understand the word.” I was in shock.I gave up.Another memory etched so deep I can watch the replay. I had just learned all about bullying. I was pretty sure I knew exactly what it was, I also know that in solving everything says report to the teachers. I was speaking up on the immense hurt inflicted…I knew that I was being bullied. But with that response I never went to a teacher again. Why would I? They don’t believe me and minimize what I’m feeling. There’s no point. So I just knew I’d have to suffer. Until one day where things got dangerous and it was no longer something I could endure. My life was at stake. Followed home by a kid and a gun. But I don’t know bullying is, right?

After a good chunk of time and lots of asking, we finally moved and put me in a new school district. far away. No one knew me. It honestly saved my life. I don’t know where I would be if it wasn’t for moving. But you hear stories like mine and sadly many others of kids, and the ones that became angels. This shouldn’t be a common occurrence. There shouldn’t be statistics. Movies, shows, books, all trying to educate and share the stories of the hard fights. Kids shouldn’t need to move away to be safe or have to get the police involved. They shouldn’t be driven to the point of taking their lives and sometimes others. It definitely should never be considered some right of passage “we all go through”. We shouldn’t need laws in order for schools to do the right things and disipline the students. This is all too common a headline. The lack of action from school and parents of the bullies is not only sad but maddening. I wonder how many lives that could have been saved. Like in my situation brushing kids off or telling them they are wrong is one of the worst ways to handle it. The kid then doesn’t see a point in reporting it anymore and it escalates. Do they call it bullying, once the student/kid is dead? We need to be better and do better.

My prayers and love go out to Jenzeles family and friends as well as the community. I also send my love and prayers to those who have lost a loved one or a friend. Or to be the person struggling with suicidal thoughts. You’re not alone.I have been in the same position. Life is worth it, life will get better. Someone loves you, I love you. But most importantly God loves you. Please reach out and seek help. There are so many great resources. It’s okay to need help.There are so may things worth life. If I would have succeeded, I wouldn’t have my husband, my nieces and nephews, my fur baby or some of the amazing memories. The bullies aren’t right. A little while back I went and accepted a very prestigious award. This was in presence of government officials and state senators. So the kids that bullied me, them telling me I’m nothing. They are so wrong. There are great things ahead …you will look back and think “wow, and they made me feel so bad”. Don’t let them hold you back or limit your potential.

I will continue my activism and work on suicide prevention and anti-bullying. There is so much work to still be done. Lives to save. Ghandi once said “be the change you wish to see in the world” and in the Bible Jesus said “In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works…” in Matthew 5:16

Be kind. Love one another.

Life’s too short

It has been quite some time since I have posted. And as always so much has happened. But that can all be said later. The matter at hand is very important to me. And to many others.

Beth Colehour… known by so many , for so many different things.

I knew her as grandma.

In all of my reading I have come to learn of a theme called found family. And that so perfectly fits my sweet Grandma Beth. Many years ago my dad met my step mom. I was young enough that I don’t really remember my life before her and in turn that also means her family. I think the event/day that Beth welcomed me into her arms, her family and her heart was Christmas. I was young, just in elementary school. It was one of the years I had Christmas with my dad. And this year we were going to my step mom’s mom’s house.

As we drove I realized how nervous I was. I wondered if I would be fun and would they all like me. We pull up to this cute little blue gate with beautiful bushes, flower beds and arching trees. I could see straight to the puget sound. We knock and go into the house. Grandma welcomes us in. She comes down the stairs with an apron tied around her waist. The house has a warm glow, the lights are just right. Smells like Christmas. She has wide open arms and sweeps us into them.. Sweeps us into her lovely home. It’s filled with joy, laughter and music. I notice the cutest collection of marionettes. You pull the string and the arms and legs move. They do a little dance. Grandma hugs me and looks at me, with a warm grin I will never forget, she says “you can call me Grandma Beth.” Little did I know, I was meeting a lady who would be pivotal in my life and mean more than I will ever be able to put into words. She took my coat , hung it in closet and there began the magic.

I came to learn that Grandma made a very special and delicious punch. It was served in a beautiful crystal bowl. We used beautiful little crystal glasses. Inside was juice, lemon lime soda, ice ring with berries and sometimes a Dollop of sherbet. It was amazing punch, I looked forward to it at every visit to grandmas.

There were Thanksgivings, and christmases shared, special parties, birthdays, dinners, hours of little plays and dress up with the younger kids. The best gingerbread house making you’ll ever see. Songs around the piano. My grandma did it all.

With Grandma Beth I learned what they mean when they talk about found family. I wasn’t blood related to her but I never would have known that. I never felt any less than. She never missed a birthday or Christmas. I always had a spot at the table and the special gifts and surprises. Grandma mailed me a card every holiday every year, including halloween. But as life got harder Grandma only showed more love and more grace.

I had my first musical performance..and it was easily an hour away from them. And grandma came with flowers. She thanked my mom Jenni, and talked about how amazing I am. She invited us to a special Christmas and winter celebration with her family friends. When I needed someone most, she and grandpa Jeff came to Children’s hospital and played a board game. They visited for a few hours. When I needed somewhere to be, she had me for dinner. Early on she told me “you finish High school and you can have a party, I will throw you a party and you can invite whoever you want..” She told my husband when she met him to make sure I finished school. I finished and she threw the most special graduation party. She had decorations, a special cup, matching innovations that were really special…my favorite punch and a cake. When it came time for my bridal shower, I wouldn’t have had one if it wasn’t for her and my step mom and maid of honor. Grandma helped with all the food and setting it out. She was incredible. She spent so much time and energy setting up for my wedding. Her and Grandpa Jeff filmed it. And when I looked over during the nuptials, she had her hands clasped and the most adoring and happy grin. She gave me hugs, kisses and told me how beautiful I looked as she held me close. She gave me kisses on the cheek.

I had a love of theatre and was blessed to attend shows with grandma and because of her generosity in getting me tickets. I saw a few that were totally new concepts to me and I loved each one. I remember them with so much joy.

I don’t know if I would have had those things if it hadn’t been for Grandma Beth. I was shown the love and pride, that people so warmly talk about when it comes to Grandparents. The biggest moments of my life Grandma Beth stood right beside me, and often through the celebration. I have other grandparents who have also sadly passed on and a few that live far away. I truly would have never expected a grandparent gained through marriage , to show me this kind of love or do these things for me. I felt like I was the brightest star in the sky because of my Grandma Beth. “Here is someone who is so proud and loves me so much, they are doing three of the biggest celebrations of my life.”

When hard times hit.. grandma was there. My husbands parents, my husband and I all had gotten covid. My Grandma Beth made sure we had homemade soup brought over to us. In the toughest health battles and loosing our angel baby grandma was there with cards and phone calls and prayers. She said something I will never forget about her belief in me to be an amazing mother. My Grandma Beth showed me that I am a family jewel, that I was worthy of love and celebration. I needed to only be myself and being myself was something she and the rest of the family loved. I never had to dim my light. She showed me how to burn brighter. The grandma constantly there, showing me immense amounts of love… that’s Grandma Beth. I think of the grandma who sat in the audience beaming with pride and telling others near “that’s my granddaughter!!” That was Grandma Beth.

Writing this has taken time. Initially after her passing I had to cry…to feel the immense ache in my chest missing someone I loved so dearly. Trying to grasp the idea that I would have to live without her. That I wouldn’t see the beautiful smile or the warm hugs. Hear her welcoming us into the house. Not lookout to the audience and see her beaming with pride. I still feel this immense pain. But the world should hear of this amazing, eccentric, lovely lady I was blessed to call Grandma Beth.

I will cherish the last visit I had with her. She was so excited to see me come into her hospital room. I sat with her and talked to her. I held her hand and got to collect grandma hugs and kisses. To share a few moments of laughter, enjoy music with her. I Told her how much I love her and how much she means to me. I got to hear the same and more from her. She told me how much she’s loved having me in her life and watching me grow. And many other things I will hold close to my heart. She even gave me the last aid bit of advice. She was the most beautiful lady. You’d think the hospital gown was tailored for her, she wore it so well!

I know that grandma will never truly be far away. She will always be in my heart, and often in my thoughts. I am blessed to have had her in my life. I will be able to live the rest of my life content because I had that love. I know what it feels like. I will never need to go searching for it. I will have the amazing memories and pictures. I will share some pictures with you.

Beth was an amazing lady. She had a heart filled with love and care for so many. She brightened up any room she was in. TO be near her was to be near sunshine. You became a plant and she could feed anyones soul. An amazing and dear grandma. Always with us kids and doing projects or being our biggest fans. If you want to hear a lovely Christmas hymn she was the lady to go to. Need to make the best gingerbread house? She’s got you covered.

I love my grandma. I loved her here and now I will love her in heaven. She’s one of the best angels, I know that now and understand why god had to call her home.

May the loveliest grandma rest peace. Thank you God for sharing her with me. I pray for all those that knew her and loved her. We will need your strength and guidance to get through the rest of days without Beth.

Books!

I am currently reading Sara J Maas. I am reading the court of thorns and rose series and am on the second book. A court of mist and fury. Almost or just half way through it. I haven’t been able to put it down. OMG SOOOOOOOOOO SOOOO GOOD!!! It’s soooo amazing. She’s a great writer. All the hype behind the books is totally justified. I recommend them 100%. It’s especially at a good time for me. The characters are sooo good and very deep and have a lot of interesting angles to them, the plot/story line isn’t predictable and keeps you interested. So much so you might start reading at 2 am and see the sun come up and realize you’ve been up reading and it’s now 5am. Page turner. The world building and character development is unlike anything I have seen in a long long time.

I’m also reading on my kindle game of thrones. I’m on the first book. Good. Interesting not bad writing but not my Sara J Maas that’s for sure. I’m enjoying it though.. I like the world and the plot. It’s enjoyable.

And I’m trying to read a third book at the same time that I have been really wanting to read called the Night circus. I’m only a few pages in and it’s good too but I haven’t been able to read it as much as the other two. I’m not sure I can do three books at once which is okay!! Im not even reading as much or near as fast in game of thrones as a court of mist and fury. So I think two might be the right number. We shall see though.

Anyways. I highly recommend Sarah J Maas!!

Health slump :/

I wouldn’t wish a pilonidial cyst on anyone…

But some how amongst my other health stuff which we were in the middle of dealing with two rather large and important pieces… I ended up with one.

It became very swollen and very very painful quickly. It only took probably 12 hours after the lump being seen that I was in excruciating pain. We had two visits to urgent care where they attempted to treat it and cut it open. And then a trip to the ER when the pain became way more than I have ever thought something could hurt. And they cut it three different spots. No luck. Only more pain and beginning to heal incorrectly. So They recommended me to a wound care and surgeon. He took the packing from the ER out – OUCH. And then looked and was like yeah this is surgical like they had said. So I had an emergency surgery booked…. Tuesday saw him. Thursday I was on the table. I had an extensive surgery done. I was under for a few hours and have a very very large cut and open wound On my back right on my tail bone. With a long process ahead of us. I’m still only laying in bed and moving from side to side or on my tummy. Sitting for dinner and lunch. And briskly with a lot of discomfort. But being in bed is it…. I am on the road to recovery. And hopefully we can go back to the other two things we were working on because they are very important and need to get handled.

But things are improving since I moved once again from UW to now Skagit Regional. I still see a few people through UW but 90% of my care is skagit and it’s been really good! It’s closer and smaller. But closer is what we needed right now. My health is in the slump. Sometimes there are ups and sometimes there are downs or slumps and I would very much call this a slump.

Up next is dealing with my PCOS… it’s been causing some issues like premature menopause and all the symptoms with it…
And then an MRI and such to deal with what my doctor is sure to only be a prolactinoma. With high levels of prolactin monitored over time and a lot of other really telling signs she’s confident to make the diagnosis.

I get a lot of people who mention that they don’t know how I do it. How I get through all this health stuff. I tell ya…. It’s not easy. But first is God, then my family which is huge, my dog,and my friends …. I push through. I have to. But the only reason I have gotten this far is God. I also have hobbies. Hobbies that can be done while in the hospital or in bed recovering. Ones that inspire me and help me. Like I Bible journal, I draw, color, photography, I read A LOT, I watch tv and movies and play some video games. I write. I sleep. Lately it’s been a lot of reading. That’s a huge thing for me it allows an escape. It brings me joy. I can be any where and do anything. I spend a lot of time with Jesus praying, in my Bible, listening to my Christian jams, or just talking to him like a friend. I also play a lot of animal crossing. That is a huge huge one. It’s a very big saving grace. In that game my health doesn’t follow me. I am able to be kandysse free of soooo many things and I enjoy that I love my island and getting lost in that world. My hobbies are a huge part of coping. I’m working on my digital art skills currently.

But more importantly. My husband. I don’t know how I’d do it without him. I love him so!

So that’s my health. Otherwise life is pretty good. We did have put our girl dog Ella down and are still missing her and grieving her but she’s not in pain so we are trying to find comfort in that. Spending time loving on Chester. I spend time with my siblings see my nieces and nephews… talk to my friends life is good overall. A lot of babies coming into the world!!! My best friend ever had her son this year… and more friends and my sister will be having a baby too!! So that’s exciting!

I wish all well! Prayers and love!

A different kind of love

Hey there!!
It’s been a long time since I have posted a blog post. Way too long. I wish I had got on it sooner. I had wanted to be more consistent. I have so many hobbies and things I love to do. I have had other things take priority and set the hobbies in a priority list and some have been ignored completely and that’s not good. It’s time I find peace, I find balance and do the things that I love to do. I love my newest hobby that is Planning in my Happy Planner! You can definitely see more of that on my Instagram that’ll link below. And I will do some posts on here for that as well.

I have finished High school. I have been doing it online through my current college. I am now setting my sights on the SAT and getting into college and getting a bachelor’s degree and if my heart still tells me, I will then head on to med school. I have dreamed of being a doctor for a long time!! It is a huge passion of mine. But I have also fallen in love with other things. So I will start with my bachelor’s degree and decide from there. I also love business and Entrepreneurial things. I have lots of ideas written down for businesses and products. SO Shark Tank if you see this help me!!! LOL! In all honesty, my mind and heart wonder if the medicine is 100% where I want to end up. But I do know 100% that I want to go to college and get a BA. So that’s the next step.

My life is constantly changing. So to give you a complete update would take a massive amount of time and be a very long read. I am not sure that you want that long read. I can say this…I am not one for new year’s resolutions. I prefer to set attainable goals for the year. In 2018 it was to grow in my faith… which definitely happened. My faith was tested and I learned to have childlike faith in God again. I made a few for this year. I made a big one and then some smaller goals. My main goal was to take care of me in every way possible. To be the healthiest I could. To take care of all parts of me like physical, mental, health, all of it. So I have been removing negative things and energy, I have set boundaries, addressed some health issues and have been truly telling my truths and being 100% unapologetically me. Let me tell you that is not easy. It’s harder than anyone could imagine. To fully take care of yourself and do what is best for you is difficult. To put yourself first is hard. Especially if you’re like me. I am focusing on falling in love with myself. I am working the things I enjoy and that makes me happy. My hobbies, My friends, and my family. My priorities are the relationship I have with myself and God. I need to love myself. I need to heal from the things life has dealt me and some of the choices I made. I have to learn to find peace in myself and in God. I am trying to love Kandysse. For everything I am and everything, I am not. I am working on taking care of my body and getting healthy. I Have an amazing care team and have an awesome doctor so I am now able to really work on my health conditions and see the necessary specialists. I am working on eating better, growing my hair, and not biting my nails. Seriously… These are parts of taking care of me. I am doing self-care. I am seeing a therapist again and finding out what I need. What I can do to be the best version of myself. This means I am saying No, I am not letting people walk all over me, I am being kind to myself. I am truly making myself a priority. And when you declare a goal to the universe, If you’re open and willing the universe will help you achieve that goal. That’s what I see happening to me. The Universe is putting things in my path to help me put myself first and achieve this goal. It is teaching me who I am and what I want. How to take care of me. The universe is taking people out of my life that do me no good. Helping change and grow relationships. I am truly being pushed by not only myself but the Universe and God. There is a force greater than me propelling every moment and every event in my life. I feel that I have, in the last two months already made a lot of progress in my choice to take care of me. I have dealt with and confronted some big things in my life and began working on a better me. I am glad that I have. It’s what is right and it’s so important. I will be spending time finding myself. Learning more about me. What I like and What I want to do. I will head to college and truly grow. I hope to continue this past this year, but I needed to start this year.

If you haven’t gotten it about me yet or don’t know me. I am the kind of person who will give and give even when I am empty. I put everyone else in my life before me. I will do anything for those I love and care for. I will give the shirt off my back. And while that’s great it has also, become a toxic trait too. Because I run myself into the ground and feed others when I need to be feeding myself. I have grown to see that I need to fill my cup before I fill others. I need to put my oxygen mask on before those around me. I have spent so much of my life is available to everyone around me, I haven’t been available to kandysse. And this is the year that changes. The year I spend filling my cup. I spend growing. And learning when to give to others. Then it becomes adapting and carrying this lesson in the following years.

I have given so many people pieces of me, I often feel I have nothing left for myself. I have become this half version of myself. Too stretched to be me. Too empty and lost. To recognize when it’s time to take a step back and take care of me. This is so important. I need to be able to help me before I can help others. I need to be in love with me… before I can be in love with others. It’s about balance. And my life has lacked. It has affected so many areas of my life. I haven’t been present for me. I haven’t been there for myself the way I am there for everyone else and that’s not healthy. I have a lot of learning to do and growth. But that’s a huge part of what this year is for. I am going to take time and fall in love with myself. I am going to date myself, I am going to do my hobbies, find balance, spend a lot of time with my family. Like my niece, I am going to hang with my friends. This will be an adventure and be so good for me.

I have already grown since January One. I have made changes. Loved myself more than I have before. I am happy to see the progress already. But there is still so much left to do. So much to go. A big thing I have learned is that no one is really your better half. You’re complete on your own.

With that, I wish you a happy valentines day! I hope you remember that your first love and most important should be with yourself!
There will be more posts. More things to talk about. Stay tuned!!

I’m Back!

Hello All!

It has been quite a while since my last blog post. About ten months to be exact. Which is a really long time. No real big excuse other than life has happened and I haven’t put this as high on my priority list as I’d like to or it should’ve been. I thought since not many people read it, that it wasn’t a big deal. But posting often, and working on it… will get more readers. Plus this isn’t really just about how many people read about it. This is for me as well.

To give an update about what is happening in my life, I have been dealing with my health. It’s been my main focus. Spending a lot of my time in the hospital or doctors office. I have switched primary care doctors and that is the best decision I have made health wise in a long time. We haven’t nailed down a diagnosis yet but we have figured out some pieces to this massive puzzle. There will be a blog post on this. My health is a huge obstacle right now. I have taken a break from school recently that was two weeks and due to new and arising health issues, I have decided to extend it a little bit longer. I have had two family members get married which was very exciting…I went to one in Leavenworth and one in Wenatchee..(I don’t know if I have mentioned it but a majority of my family is from Wenatchee.) I have also been connecting with my friends, some old some new. I have been very selective of who I give my energy and time too. Especially because I don’t have much energy. I don’t want to spend it with people who drain me and offer little to no positivity to my life. It has been an interesting summer and fall. I have watched a few of my friends grow and move to different areas, go to college and a few even got married. Which as all been really cool to see.

My relationship, we have grown so much. Not only individually but as a couple as well. Also learned so much this year. I have learned that relationships are not always sunshine and rainbows, there are hard times and in a relationship, it is important to stick by your partner in those times, not just the good ones. And these are the often the times that the most growth happens and love blooms. I have loved harder than I ever knew possible. I love all the special moments him and I have shared. We have had more holidays, birthdays and family events to go together. More adventures and road trips, which we also love. I have seen him grow. We have both gotten better at the typical relationship things like communication and trust. All crucial to a happy and healthy relationship. I love him so and I really believe that he is the one in the last ten months I have grown to see that this is the man God has set apart for me. The man I will one day(in the near future) call my husband. The man who will change my last name. My respect for him has also grown. I have learned that I love to give gifts, thoughtful, sometimes handmade, quite often.

I have fallen more in love with my beautiful niece.. which I truly thought was impossible. Being that, I loved her so much already. She is the light of my world. She means so much to me. Her 2nd birthday also happens to be right around the corner. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! I can’t believe she is already two.

I still want to be an MD.. but its growing to be a challenge since I constantly need a Dr. URG!!!

That is all I have for now! get ready for more blog posts and stay tuned!

Another book! – One I didn’t know I needed in my life

Hello all!

As we have previously established I love books. I read a lot and am constantly hunting for new books to read! Well I got a gift card for christmas and took my happy self right on down to the Bellevue Amazon book store, my partner in crime Popeye tagged along (My boyfriend-see earlier posts) we had a grand time, until I started feeling really ill. Any ways, I like to take my time in that store. I could be in there for hours. I honestly wish that I could have the store just to myself for a few hours.

As I was Looking around, I made a stop in the Young Adult section. I still like to read books from that Genre or category. Though they are easy reads and rarely push me for harder thought or reflection. But something caught my eye. It’s called Almost Adulting by Arden Rose. Now I am just beginning my venture into adulthood, so far I’m not super fond of adulthood and constantly wonder if I am doing it right… or what the heck it is that I am supposed to be doing. So I thought this might be a book that might be able to help or that I might be able to relate to or if I got lucky both! Or it was going to be terrible.

The book has a great eye grabbing cover. Which I know you can’t judge a book by its cover but we all do. And the synopsis was even better. In the inside of the book jacket to left it says
“-Making internet friends who are cool and not murderers

-Flirting with someone in a way to make them think you are cool and not a murderer

-Being in an actual relationship where you talk about your feelings in a healthy manner??? To the other person???????”

There was more than that too. But after those first few points, I knew this would be a great book for me to read. I loved the relatability, the humor and the way this book was written. I liked the tone. So I opened the book and began to read the first chapter. Within a few sentences I was chuckling to myself and found myself eager to go on. So I knew that this was a purchase that needed to be made. I found another book in the YA section that I have had my eye on for a few months we will see how it is. You can expect a post for that book too. I am on the hunt for a good romance author. I have read every book by the two I like(give or take three or four books). (Sarah Dessen and Luanne rice)

So I made my purchase and went home. The book sat in the pile of TBR (To Be Read) and I can finally say that on Monday I cracked it open. Boy was I glad I did. I have made it halfway through the book and have tabs marking important and relatable info and I have underlined very important points to remember and essential advice. This book is absolutely outstanding and relatable. I love it. Throughout the books there are small pieces of advice that are crucial. and affirmations. The open discussion of all the early adulthood issues is so relevant and helpful. Arden gives sound advice and tells the reader about her struggles, how she dealt with them, and what she learned.It calmed my anxiety and fears. The author talks about important and relevant things in our lives. She also doesn’t shy away from the topics most people are scared or too shy to talk about. She doesn’t degrade us for being millennials or make us feel bad about the new ways in which we do things. She relates to us. I have found so many parts of this book to be helpful. to make me feel less alone. And assure me that no one at my age has it all figured out and being a mess sometimes is okay. I also found something to help give me direction. The discussion about mental health has definitely been one of my favorites as well as learning about how her online dating experience went. I met my boyfriend online. My sister met hers there. As I have said in an earlier post and will continue to stand by, this is the age of online dating.

I have definitely fallen in love with this book. It’s hard to put it down. I think it’s a book I will read again and probably again. There is so many pieces of advice and affirmations, I don’t think it can all be absorbed in one read. This is a book I would say anyone in the stage of early adulthood should read. And while I recommend that early adults read it, I suggest that you sit down with a pen and page markers as you do so. Because there are things you’ll definitely want to remember and be able to come back to.

I am so glad I picked this book up and have it to add to my library. There will definitely be another post when I finish it!! Here’s the Link to purchase the book! I would recommend getting it for your kindle!