An angel gained her wings…..

I will begin this post and provide some trigger warnings. Continue at your own discretion.

This post contains the following triggers:
suicide and suicidal thoughts
bullying
death
psychiatric hospital stays

A sweet young girl in my community just passed away. She lost her life due to suicide. She was only 16 years old. A baby. It started with her going missing, the community came together and did everything we could. My husband and I even searched for her. After three days we unfortunately got the update none of us wanted to hear. They had found her body. Her death emphasizes that bullying needs to be taken way more seriously and harsh punishments for those that do it. Especially if their bullying leads to someone’s death.

Sweet Jenzele lost her life due to bullying, they were relentless. She was a very sweet girl, and a loved member of the community. This absolutely should not have happened. I hope that those who bullied her are thinking hard and understand they killed someone. Driving someone to their death is the same as any violent killing. Jenzele was active in her community and school. She was a very kind and loving girl. On the cheer squad, apart of DECA, a great big sister and friend. Hundreds of people showed up for the candle light vigil. And a memorial began to grow. People and friends left behind notes written to her. Every single one of them talked about how Sweet,caring,empathetic, and helpful, she was. Notes of how eager she was to help anyone and listen to them. She was what she needed. I truly believe that she was this way, so that others did’t feel the way she did. We look back to people like Robin Williams. It’s said that usually the nicest people are those that are hurting the most. Jenzele was a perfect example of this. The notes mentioning how she always made time to listen to others.

Why do people always wait until it’s too late? Waiting till someone passes away before telling them or showing them how much they mean to you, How much you love them. Why is it that at someone’s funeral it is the first time they have heard I love you in years or if ever. Waiting to tell them how much they mean to us, and how much their presence means in our lives. We say in a eulogy what we should have said months ago to them. The first out pour of love and support…This has to change. I love you’s and appreciation shouldn’t just be uttered at a casket or grave side. Think about how many more lives that could be saved with one simple change. People need to hear that they are loved and valued. That a twenty minute conversation is better than twenty minutes of someone saying you passed away. Waiting till someone passes to be a better person. We always think we have more time.

As a child I was bullied. Not minor name calling or just getting shoved around. Day in and day out it was relentless. I was beat up, one of these instances even having my head thrown into the wall while in line in Elementary school. Teachers making it worse if not silent. A racial nickname given to me by a teacher. Allowing the kids to pick on me in class. Girls teaming up. Using their religion to tell me God made a mistake when making me. Kids encouraging me to kill myself. Being followed home from school and getting beaten up. The list goes on. And there are many things I am yet to be able to forget. Most days I didn’t even go to school. There was one day etched into my mind That changed everything for me.

I walked to school everyday. I got there at a decent Time. In elementary school they had it set up so when you got to school in the morning you’d play with the other kids. I didn’t typically play with anyone. I tried my best not to exist. Well this morning happened to be picture day for my grade. I wasn’t wearing anything special or have a fresh hairdo. Low and behold she walks over to me. In my mind I am thinking it’s way too early for her to start something. Like I hadn’t even had breakfast yet. She comes over to me and starts talking crap.. nothing new until she looked me dead in the eyes and said ‘God doesn’t make mistakes but he made one when he made you.” That hurt. Hurt in way I cant even describe. I can still hear it in my ears today, I can close my eyes and watch it play out like a movie. I was in awe. I couldn’t believe she just said that… I didn’t know what to make of it. But it hurt. I was never the same after that. I got upset. I looked at her and said nope. I am not doing this today. Class hadn’t started attendance hadn’t been taken, so I turned and left. I wasn’t doing it.. I couldn’t.I was in elementary School when this happened. I am 25 years old now. It still rings in my ears, some days it even hurts a little still. I still have flashbacks like watching a re-run of a tv show. I carry it with me every day. People try to tell you words don’t hurt and to let it roll off your back…and that’s a bunch of bullshit. Words do hurt and words will cut deep, they stay long after the wound has stopped bleeding. The words are something whispered in the back of your mind hovering like a dark cloud. Instead of telling kids to let it go and let it “roll off their backs “, we should try teaching kids not to bully. Not to harass and say things that leave a mark forever. Using religion to deliver that blow was more than I could ever have imagined. And that was one of the first times I thought about killing myself. And the first attempt. Now mind you I was a young kid…. So I didn’t fully understand it. But I thought about hanging myself in the living room of our house and I then thought about stabbing my self. I went to the kitchen and found the biggest knife we had and held it pushed into my chest. I wasn’t strong enough or wise enough to know how to stab myself but I drew a little blood. I set the knife down and cried on the kitchen floor. In elementary I had decided I didn’t want to be alive anymore.

I went to my mother with the support of one of my closest and one of like five friends I had. I told her what was happening. She and my sister were out raged. Both of them paying a few visits to the school. When it came time, we say with school officials and a police officer. The school counselor was brought in.

Here is another reason kids loose their life to suicide.

I had told my school counselor about the bullying. We had taken health class and they taught us all about bullying. What it was, how it happens, the different kinds and what to do if it happens to you or another kid. During the lesson, in one of the example videos I related. My brain said wait a minute, this is what is happening to me.

Another moment etched into my memory. One replaying like an old re-run.

I went to the school counselor. I was in the hall after being picked on and sent out because I had an emotional outburst. Up walks the school counselor, asking what is going on. I tell her and I then say (insert name here) is bullying me. She looks me in the eyes and says that’s a big thing to say, a very serious claim. Then proceeds to say ” I highly doubt that’s the case, I don’t think you understand the word.” I was in shock.I gave up.Another memory etched so deep I can watch the replay. I had just learned all about bullying. I was pretty sure I knew exactly what it was, I also know that in solving everything says report to the teachers. I was speaking up on the immense hurt inflicted…I knew that I was being bullied. But with that response I never went to a teacher again. Why would I? They don’t believe me and minimize what I’m feeling. There’s no point. So I just knew I’d have to suffer. Until one day where things got dangerous and it was no longer something I could endure. My life was at stake. Followed home by a kid and a gun. But I don’t know bullying is, right?

After a good chunk of time and lots of asking, we finally moved and put me in a new school district. far away. No one knew me. It honestly saved my life. I don’t know where I would be if it wasn’t for moving. But you hear stories like mine and sadly many others of kids, and the ones that became angels. This shouldn’t be a common occurrence. There shouldn’t be statistics. Movies, shows, books, all trying to educate and share the stories of the hard fights. Kids shouldn’t need to move away to be safe or have to get the police involved. They shouldn’t be driven to the point of taking their lives and sometimes others. It definitely should never be considered some right of passage “we all go through”. We shouldn’t need laws in order for schools to do the right things and disipline the students. This is all too common a headline. The lack of action from school and parents of the bullies is not only sad but maddening. I wonder how many lives that could have been saved. Like in my situation brushing kids off or telling them they are wrong is one of the worst ways to handle it. The kid then doesn’t see a point in reporting it anymore and it escalates. Do they call it bullying, once the student/kid is dead? We need to be better and do better.

My prayers and love go out to Jenzeles family and friends as well as the community. I also send my love and prayers to those who have lost a loved one or a friend. Or to be the person struggling with suicidal thoughts. You’re not alone.I have been in the same position. Life is worth it, life will get better. Someone loves you, I love you. But most importantly God loves you. Please reach out and seek help. There are so many great resources. It’s okay to need help.There are so may things worth life. If I would have succeeded, I wouldn’t have my husband, my nieces and nephews, my fur baby or some of the amazing memories. The bullies aren’t right. A little while back I went and accepted a very prestigious award. This was in presence of government officials and state senators. So the kids that bullied me, them telling me I’m nothing. They are so wrong. There are great things ahead …you will look back and think “wow, and they made me feel so bad”. Don’t let them hold you back or limit your potential.

I will continue my activism and work on suicide prevention and anti-bullying. There is so much work to still be done. Lives to save. Ghandi once said “be the change you wish to see in the world” and in the Bible Jesus said “In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works…” in Matthew 5:16

Be kind. Love one another.